How Do I Feel?

Yes.  I am a wounded soul.  I have never truly been happy in my adult life.  I have had moments of happiness but I have always felt like I am waiting for my life to begin.  I once had grand ideas of what I thought I needed to be happy but in recent years I’ve come to the realizations that what I thought I wanted isn’t really what I need.  The last year and a half has just about done me in. 

While there have been other contributing factors, the one weighing heavily on me right now is that I’m engaged to an addict.  We’ve been together four years.  He was clean when we first started seeing each other.  He relapsed about a year and a half ago.  He was a disaster for about three months, went to rehab, and things seemed to be looking up.  Then it went all to hell.  He met some people he thought were friends who lead him straight down the rabbit hole.  I saw it coming.  I tried to save him but I became public enemy number one.  Everything came to a crashing halt for him almost three weeks ago when one of his “friends” threw him under the bus and blamed my fiancee for something that he, “the friend,” actually did.  Said “friend” has disappeared along with all the others while my fiancee sits in jail.  He has never been in trouble before and jail has been a rude awakening.  While he has been incarcerated, I have found out all sorts of things he’s lied about and done.  I have a lot to contend with and decide what I can live with once he gets out.  He is clean now by force, but I am glad anyway.  He now sees that everything I tried to tell him was true, but he wouldn’t listen.  The “friends” he thought were so important have thrown dirt in that rabbit hole they drug him into and tried to stomp him down in it while they scramble to find new holes to hide in.  He certainly isn’t innocent but his major downfall has been the company he keeps.  My dad, annoyingly, used to tell me as a teenager that I would be judged by the company I keep.  He told me over and over again.  It drove me nuts.  But, he was right.  

I don’t know how I feel about our relationship.  He has profusely apologized for all his wrongdoings but so much damage has been done.  I don’t trust him, although, I know that who is when he is using is not who he is when he is clean.  He isn’t a bad man.  He has a good heart.  Like most of us, he is damaged.  He has a lot of issues to deal with least of all what he has done to me.  He hates himself for what he’s done.  I sometimes can’t tell if I hate him or love him.  Ultimately, I know I love him but I hate who he has become.  Every single things he promised me he would never be drugs have turned him into.  Addiction is a bitch.

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