I can’t be as strong as you.

Dear J, 

I’m trying for you. I am trying to make it through school. I’m trying to ignore what people say. I’m trying to pretend like people are there for me and actually care. I’m trying as hard as I can, but there comes a point when you don’t care about anyone else and all you can focus on is what people are saying and that no one is there for you. At least not at school. I don’t think this will make sense for you, you were always surrounded by friends. Now I’m a burden to people. It’s, “Oh there she is being mad about something again.” But you know what, it’s easier to be mad than to think about why they hate and care about it so much. It’s easier than letting people know it hurts. Because being mad is a strong emotion. People respect you when you’re strong. But everything is slipping away and I know I’m causing it, but what really sucks is if it were true at all when my friends say they care about me, they would fight harder to listen when I tell them they don’t have to. I can’t. I can’t anymore J. I miss you too much and no one is ever going to love me the way you did and I’m never going to love someone the way I loved you. Everything is falling apart. I am trying. The only reason I got this far is because you would have. You would be strong J. But I’m not you. The thing about you was you only said I love you rarely and only when you meant it. You wouldn’t say it over and over again as if it were an excuse but because you meant it. And I don’t want to be a burden on anyone anymore so its easier to take away the people I’d be a burden on. Nothing is gonna be the same. I just want to stay tucked away in my room away from the world where anyone can hurt me or make this hurt anymore than it does. I never let this stuff affect me but right now I just can’t and I’m not even sad I don’t have friends its just because they lied when they said they cared in the first place. 

From your sis who hates the world, Ash

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