I don’t want time to go by so fast

hey, so the last two times I’ve wrote something on here they’ve got deleted. It’s been really disapointing because I really do put a lot of effort into these because I want you to be able to see them and I want to look back on them years from now. Anyways it’s been a month since the accident. One whole month since the worst day of my life. Since you were taken from me, from all of us. I miss you so sooooooo much. Saying “I miss you” will never come close to describe the feeling. I feel out of place without you. Without you I feel like half of myself is missing. I feel like I can’t laugh at the same things anymore because nobody gets it like you. Nobody understands me like you do. I feel like I just saw you yesterday and it’s been a MONTH. How?? I don’t want time to go by so fast. I don’t want it to get further and further away from the last time that I saw you. I can still smell you, feel what you felt like, how warm you were, your eyes, your lips, what kissing you felt like, what holding your hand felt like, what you voice sounded like. I’m SO scared to forget those things or become less familiar with them. So scared. Summer is coming up and I get excited thinking about that but then I remember that you won’t be here for it. You won’t be able to go on the boat with me, to sit in the sun, to go on beach trips, to drive anywhere and everywhere in your car, to see me get my license, you won’t be here for my birthday. I’m not excited for my birthday anymore. I’m haven’t really been excited or motivated to do anything lately. I just can’t be. You aren’t here. And you aren’t coming back and I can’t handle that. I’m trying I promise I’m trying for you. It’s so hard. I’m so broken, so confused, so empty. I don’t want you to feel bad but I want you to know how much it hurts me because you meant so much to me. You will always mean so much to me. I have a three day vball tournament this weekend and I’m scared that I’m going to break down. It’s just a really long time away from home and I don’t know how I’ll feel. I’m scared. I’m sure everything will be okay. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I see things that remind me of you everyday and it’s so hard. I hope you’re okay where you are I hope you’ve found peace by now. I’m so excited to hopefully see you again someday. Even if that’s after I’ve married someone or even had kids, I know I will always look forward to the day that I get to be with you again. You will always be my forever love. I miss our goodnight texts to eachother. So I guess I’ll say it for the both of us and maybe you are but I just can’t hear you. I hope you are saying goodnight to me every night. I hope you give me secret kisses that I can’t feel, I wish I could. Okay, goodnight I love you so much❤️ love lil.

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