Passed out

He’s passed out drunk and has been for 2 hours.  I know he won’t be up until midnight or later and he’ll spend the rest of the night sitting (I hope) in the chair across the table from where I sit.  I hate it when he’s like this.  He swears up and down he’s going to be up well before midnight (he does every time) but I know better.  That is if he wakes up at all before morning….it will probably because he was too drunk to realize he needs to pee and pee in the bed.  Then I’m going to be up changing sheets praying to god he doesn’t do it again because I’ve only got 2 sets of sheets.  My only saving grace is the fact that this place puts rubber sheets on the beds.  I hate it when he’s asleep like this and up all night.  I feel so alone.  At times he’s even more testy than when he’s sober.  We had a couple of good days and he still wouldn’t come to me.  It’s going to be even worse now with him asleep all the time.  Thankfully he only got a 4 pack of tall boys.  I wish he was awake so I can at least have the company, even though if I express an opinion he’ll shoot me down no matter if I’m right or not.  He’s going to go to the plasma place again on Sunday.  He’ll probably spend all of that one on beer and cigarettes like he did this one.  He was going to get some food at Dollar Tree but he only had $5 left and that went into the gas tank for less than 2 gallons….didn’t do a whole lot of good though.  I tried to get him to let me go to a food pantry for some food but he refused.  We’ve only got a small box of spaghetti noodles to last 2 days.  I’m diabetic and need to take insulin which I’m not going to be able to do without any food in the room.  He was doing so good the last time he got some beer.  He got a 4 pack of tall boys and they lasted 4 days.  He downed 2 in about 30 or 40 minutes.  And since he hadn’t had much in a while it made him pretty drunk.  He couldn’t remember that I put his last $5 in the gas tank and went to Wal Mart for a big soda that was cheap.  He said we were going to repack my car to make sure we could get everything in without blocking my rearview.  And yep you guessed it….didn’t get done cause he’s passed out drunk. I still don’t know whether or not to trust him on the sister  thing.  My gut says to trust him but I don’t want to.  I want to sneak back off to Dallas to live on the street.  I thought I was ready for a relationship but I’m not.  Its been 9 years since my divorce (and yes he cheated on me and he beat me up) and 8 years since the bipolar diagnosis.  I want to run away because I’m scared of getting my heart broken again….only this time it will be worse than my divorce because I realized when I divorced my ex I wasn’t in love with him any more.  I want to go stay at a shelter tonight and get away from him…part of me wants to see if he’ll miss me and part of me wants to do it to be alone.  If he does miss me it won’t be until late tonight.  I want so bad for him to love me and want be but….IDK.  I’m scared of being made a fool of again and having my heart broken.  What do I do?  Do I follow my gut or ignore it and run away? 

Would he miss me if I’m gone?  Would he be heartbroken if I break it off and run away to live on the streets of Dallas?  I wish I knew but I don’t…..

Sometimes he smiles as he is sleeping.  I can’t help but wonder who he’s dreaming about.  I’d like to delude myself into thinking it’s me but I wonder.  He says he doesn’t remember his dreams but I know that’s an easy out to telling what you did dream about.  I always wonder who he’s dreaming about.  I’ve never seen him do it until a few weeks ago.

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