This morning….

I am so scared this morning.  I felt the rich pregnant bitch like she was sitting in the chair next to me.  On top of that Ian was up and out of bed most of the night.  I told Ian several times yesterday I wanted to have sex with him and he never came to me.  Now he’s refusing to come when I ask him.  I’m tired of begging.  I’m scared he went to her last night while I slept.  Although the feeling only lasted a short time that she was here.  And all this just a short time before we leave for Phoenix.  Now I fear that he will stay here to be with her.  I don’t know why I’m so worried now.  I was planning on sneaking back to Dallas and letting him go to Phoenix alone.  I still love him so much but I fear he doesn’t love me any more.  He doesn’t tell me how pretty or sexy he thinks I am any more.  I still think he’s the most handsome and sexy man alive.  And I try to tell him often.  I want to be with him so bad I can’t see straight.  We’re going so far between times we have sex I feel like I’m losing my connection with him….and I feel like he doesn’t want that connection we had any more.  I’m so scared I don’t know what to do.  I want to have faith in him so bad but I’m having so much trouble because all but one of the men I had a long term relationships with cheated on me.  My instincts are not telling me anything now….whether to stay or go.  At one point all my instincts were telling me to stay with him, that I’d win out over the bitch.  Something just came to me that the rich pregnant bitch hates me and is very angry with me that not only did I steal Ian away but he’s moving out of town to be with me.  Why does this shit always happen to me.  A man I can never fully have or trust.

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