Confused and Torn

Confused and torn.  That’s how I feel.  I have been that way for months upon months.  I can’t remember the last time I was happy for more than a fleeting moment.  I can’t remember the last time that my mind wasn’t going 90 miles an hour wondering what I am being lied to about or getting ready to walk into.  My relationship is causing me turmoil.  It shouldn’t but addiction causes all sorts of nasty side effects.  The disintegration of trust and relationships is but one of them.  I have held on for so long because I KNOW that how he has behaved is because of the dope.  It’s not the real him.  But, in light of recent knowledge, I know he has done some horrible things.  His disrespect for me runs deep.  

So, I am confused and torn.  My head says I deserve better.  I know I do.  My heart says hold on because he can make a come back.  Then my head tells me that maybe what I remember as being so great wasn’t as great as I think.  Is he worth all this hurt?  My heart interjects and tells me that everyone else has given up on him.  He has worth.  His life has value.  He has a purpose.  And then my head tells me I will never trust him again and there is no point in trying.  It tells me that what I know he has done is seared into my memory and won’t be forgotten.  My heart says maybe I can forgive.  It longs for him at night to wrap his arms around me and drift off to sleep like we have so many nights the last four years.  Then my head tells me I can find someone else who will love and respect me and help me work toward goals.  I have had that before but I couldn’t love the man no matter how hard I tried.  So, enters my heart saying I love this man and finding someone else who will love me won’t matter if I don’t love him.  

I don’t know what to do.  I know in my head I should probably run for the hills but my heart is a deceitful bitch.  Thus goes my inner turmoil and the thoughts that keep me awake all night.  Counting sheep is hard to do when your mind is too caught up making pros and cons lists.

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