I’m really lost. I have no clue about myself whatsoever.
Am I happy? I don’t know. I don’t feel it. But I don’t really feel anything.
Things make me laugh, yes. But other than that I feel numb most of the time. I’ll go through months of just numbness, then out of nowhere I’ll just cry. I wonder if I am broken. I remember being so emotional when I was younger. But then, some things tear at my heart. I can literally feel it hurt from emotions. I wonder if all the things that’s happened to me just drained me. I’ve never properly dated, but some of the relationships made me cry. There are 2 people I never dated, but I know they manipulated me emotionally. I wonder if I just had enough of it? I don’t want to date. I’m afraid of that attachment. I don’t want anyone touching me, for fear of there disgust.
I know I want to cry. But why won’t I?
I know something is wrong with me, but I live in a small town, and it’s hard to get help. I feel like nothing will help, but how do I know that? I’ve never tried. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, so how can I get help for something I don’t know?
I’m not suicidal. I haven’t ever tried, I’ve had thoughts when I was in high school, but never attempted it. No guts for that, plus, I think of the friends who had, and I don’t want to do that to anyone, if anyone cares.
I wonder… just what should I do? Depression, why won’t you leave? Please just leave, same with you anxiety. I want to travel, I want to do something exhilarating, but I have a fear of leaving my home. Ugh. I’m just so tired.