Exhaustion, and Questions to myself.

I’m really lost. I have no clue about myself whatsoever.
Am I happy? I don’t know. I don’t feel it. But I don’t really feel anything.
Things make me laugh, yes. But other than that I feel numb most of the time. I’ll go through months of just numbness, then out of nowhere I’ll just cry. I wonder if I am broken. I remember being so emotional when I was younger. But then, some things tear at my heart. I can literally feel it hurt from emotions. I wonder if all the things that’s happened to me just drained me. I’ve never properly dated, but some of the relationships made me cry. There are 2 people I never dated, but I know they manipulated me emotionally. I wonder if I just had enough of it? I don’t want to date. I’m afraid of that attachment. I don’t want anyone touching me, for fear of there disgust.
I know I want to cry. But why won’t I?
I know something is wrong with me, but I live in a small town, and it’s hard to get help. I feel like nothing will help, but how do I know that? I’ve never tried. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, so how can I get help for something I don’t know? 
I’m not suicidal. I haven’t ever tried, I’ve had thoughts when I was in high school, but never attempted it. No guts for that, plus, I think of the friends who had, and I don’t want to do that to anyone, if anyone cares. 

I wonder… just what should I do? Depression, why won’t you leave? Please just leave, same with you anxiety. I want to travel, I want to do something exhilarating, but I have a fear of leaving my home. Ugh. I’m just so tired.  

One thought on “Exhaustion, and Questions to myself.”

  1. When I read this I pictured myself a few years ago. I felt the same way about relationships until I met my wife. My relationships before her were few and far apart. I even dated a woman who used me to make her “ex” jealous. When I found out I left and blocked myself off from love, that is until my wife came along. I look at it this way I wasn’t ready until God brought her into my life, and that’s probably what’s happening with you. God is preparing the right person for you and when its time you will know it. I wish there was a way I could be more help.

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