What a difference a week makes. Ha. I was scared to let myself be happy, then I started feeling more confident and feeling a little bit excited and happy, and of course, I had that shit ripped out from under my ass yesterday. Of fucking course I did. Why would anything go right for me? Ha. He’s not coming today. He cancelled yesterday. The day before. All week, I thought he was coming, planned, and thought about it all week, and now he’s not. It was a huge kick in the gut. Huge. And I didn’t even get to be sad about it. I had a goddam track meet and didn’t get home until almost midnight. I don’t even know what to say. And, if he’d cancelled and continued to text, maybe I would believe him more that it’s just about his health issues, but He wasn’t even doing that. I am wondering if the man I thought had no game at all, had the best game. He made me believe he wanted/was hoping to find a relationship- he talked about “we” this and “we” that and all we were going to do and how “we” would go to the lake and “we” would go to a Reds game and “we” would go to Nashville. Ha. I believed it all. I believed it all. He could have still come up here or he could have invited me to come there if he’d wanted to see me. I just got played again. I am the dumbest person on Earth. What is so wrong with me? Why? Why does no one like me?
All I’ve ever wanted since I’ve been an adult is to be a wife and a mother. I have managed to fail at both.
Later, that same day…
Well… I texted him first a couple of times today- he responded. We chatted like nothing was wrong. It’s so goddam amazing to me that I can go from worrying about whether or not I want to talk to this guy because I really don’t want to hurt him, to him destroying me. I never have the upper hand. I am not going to text him first any more. It’s his anniversary today. That really helps. His wife has been dead 13 years. There was no such thing as facebook when she was alive, so why is it necessary to wish her a happy anniversary on facebook so hundreds of people can like and comment on it. It sure made me feel like dog shit. This whole day has made me feel like dog shit. All I did by getting involved with him is open myself up to being hurt. I said I couldn’t go through another breakup again and yet here I am risking it. I am an idiot. At this point I feel as if I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. If I just live alone for the rest of my life, I am miserable. If I try to find someone and it doesn’t work, I am more miserable than just being alone. It’s too much. I am going to back off with Greg. I will see if I hear from him tomorrow. I have got to fill my time with something.