When hello means goodbye

When hello means goodbye… I have many friends who have lost a baby. Way too many. It breaks my heart. I am asked, “Were you scared to meet Brennon?” “How do you fit a lifetime into so few moments?” These questions always make me think. How did I manage? How did I make it through? As cliche as it sounds, my answer is always, “One day at a time” The truth is, I have never “gotten over it”. I struggle a lot to fight through the grief that still lies right under the surface. I cherished every kick. Every hiccup. Every stretch. I memorized every inch of his skin. I memorized his scent. How soft his skin was. How long and soft his hair was. I memorized how his tiny toes curled. And I memorized how perfectly his hand fit my finger. You see, I held him so briefly in my arms, but forever will hold him in my heart and soul. You can never be prepared for saying “Hello” and “Goodbye” in the same breath. You can never be prepared for the moment to come that should be so joyful but knowing it will also be the day of the deepest agony you’ll ever experience. You don’t consciously get through it. One day you look back and you realize, you did survive it and didn’t even know it as it happened. My first hello was also my hardest goodbye.

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