We’re back to the normal behavior.  He’s sitting across the table ignoring me playing games on his phone.  She’s probably on all 3 where they can chat without me catching on.  I guess there’s nothing going to change if I stay with him.  He keeps claiming his sex drive isn’t as high as mine but I know for a fact that it can’t be as low as he’s acting.  For a couple of weeks last month he came to me twice a day and then it suddenly stopped.  It’s getting so now that I’m not getting as wet as I once was with him when we first met and it’s starting to hurt a bit when we first start.  I’m starting to realize he’s all about himself.  We ran out of food yesterday so I can’t take my insulin because there’s nothing to eat to support it.  I keep trying to make him understand if I go too long without it my body will go into shock and could kill me.  And yet when he goes to the plasma place and donates he continues to spend the money he gets on cigarettes and beer first.  I can’t go to a food pantry because I don’t have any gas in the car.  Not to mention he has a fit and tells me there is no need to go to a food pantry to get food.  He just doesn’t get it.  I’m dealing with a life threatening health issue here.  I swear he’s going to be the death of me but who cares if I live or dye.  Trust me nobody would notice least of all my mother or Ian.

His mom sent a couple of packets of Knorr sides that are just big enough for one person.  I’ll bet that this morning he’s fixed one packet which is just enough for him.  I’m still not eating…..but who cares what happens to me, right.  He only fixed enough for him.

He’s having a fit now because I’m using a bowl that’s old and has flecked off some of its finish and he claims he doesn’t like eating the finish.  I’ve never had that problem.  It usually only flecks off when I’m washing it.  Guess I’m throwing away the beans and the only decent bowl I have.  I guess no food for me for the next few days until I get my check.  If I buy any food with that I fear we won’t have enough money to pay for the motel in Phoenix.  He keeps saying he’ll figure out some way to get some money but he’s been trying to figure it out for 2 weeks and hasn’t come up with any good ideas.  I doubt he will.  I can’t even watch a movie on my computer without him talking at me so I have to stop it and listen to him.  When I shut it off he quits talking and starts ignoring me, yet again.

Why do I always find these horrible men?  I can only think I don’t deserve any better because I’m so ugly and repulsive.

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