Terrible.

Dear terrible,

I am now facing an adversary. Thats what they say: “it’s all a matter of time and you’re going to come out stronger”. I don’t understand. What if i dont want to face these challenges anymore? What if I just want to hide and run away? They never give advice for these kinds of questions. They’ll always say, you’ll figure it our or things will get better or take things one step at a time. 

I don’t want to take things one step at a time. I want it to be over and be done with. I don’t want to come out strong because I don’t want to come out of this. I wanna hit rewind and choose a different path where no one knows me. I want to run away. 

I dont understand why. People treat me right. My friends care and my family always remembers me. But why do I want to leave them? I dont want to be here anymore. I just want to go to the islands and be whoever I can be there. 

I never realized how much anxiety and depression can take a toll on me. No, I’m not clinically diagnosed but I guess I kinda am. I always thought having these problems were like a gust of wind, they just pass you know?

I didn’t know how much it affected my life, my everyday routine, until I saw the consequences. And despite the negative consequences that I’m going through right now, I still can’t bring myself to do something about it. It’s terrible feeling this way. The heavy burden of every day trying to remind yourself why you wanna do these things. The terrible nightmares I get of failing over and over again. This awful feeling of not wanting to do anything about it. This disgusting fear of being terrified about every little bit so i just choose to give up. This unbearable weight of unmotivation trying to pull you down even if you know you’re doing something you love.

What now? Is it still an adversary if there’s no more point in overcoming it? Will i still come out strong if I don’t want to fight anymore. 

I just want to live my life. Love myself and no one else. It’s useless. I want to stay terrible. What now? 

 

Xoxo,

the girl who lost her love for the rain

 

 

One thought on “Terrible.”

  1. You do sound depressed. The fact that you have no interest in doing things you normally definitely enjoy tipped me off. Consider seeing a doctor. Zoloft is a wonderful medication for this problem. I am on it now. God bless you and help you find your way.
    Love, Grace

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