I can’t keep being positive

Hey. If you’re reading this, I love you. I love you so so much. I feel like I haven’t said that in so long, I haven’t been able to tell you that I love you for almost 2 months now. And time is just going to keep passing. It’s all still not real to me.  I’m just waiting, for a text or a call or for someone to tell me it was all a mistake. That it wasn’t really you that I saw in the hospital. I don’t know I just want it all to not be real. I want to see you again, hug you, kiss you. I want to tell you everything that I haven’t been able to in the past months. I can’t keep being positive about everything. In the beginning I think I was just numb to it all, and I still partially am, but know it’s all starting to hit me. I don’t know I think it hits me at certain times, the grief comes in bits and pieces. I am constantly thinking about it, sometimes more deeply than others, but it’s always on my mind. But the breakdowns come in waves, sometimes days in a row. Someone told me that the breakdowns are part of healing. I don’t know cuz everytime I cry about it I just feel more broken, I don’t feel like I’m healing. I don’t feel any better than I felt since the day it happened, if anything I feel worse. I want to know where you are, if you are anywhere. I want to know that you aren’t just ashes in a box, but how do I know that for sure? How do I know that you aren’t just empty space now? How do I know that there is a spirit out there somewhere. I question this everyday. I wonder if you can see me, how broken I am, how much I miss you and wish things could go back to how they used to be. It scares me because I’m in such a bad head space now. I’ve become so negative about everything. I don’t want people to tell me everything happens for a reason or that god has you now. I don’t know if I believe any of that. I definitely don’t think any of this happened for a reason and I sure as hell know that 16 years of life is not enough, especially not for you. I hope if you can see me that you are okay with how I’m dealing with it. I hope you understand that grieving the loss of you is unbearable and unimaginable still. I don’t want you to feel hurt when I cry, I want you to see how much you meant to me, how much I miss you. I’m so sorry this happened to you, if I could take your place I would. I imagine that too, how you would be dealing with it if the roles were switched. If it were me instead of you, what would you look like in my shoes. I know it’s selfish, but I want to know. Would you breakdown as much as I do, would the days seem unimportant and purposeless. All I know is that I miss you more than you could ever know, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I can’t keep being positive, I have to face reality and the fact that you aren’t coming back. I love you so much, I love you more than anything I have ever loved in my entire life. I wish for your presence everyday, just one more laugh, one more kiss. I wish for another talk with you. I wish to be cuddled up in bed watching movies and napping all day. I wish for your arms around me, holding me tight telling me everything’s okay. I wish for all the drives and adventures that’s we never got the chance to experience together. I wish to look at old pictures and videos together and reminisce on all the memories. I wish to take the dogs on walks. I wish for the best summer ever with you, going on the boat, surfing, swimming. But most of all I wish for your love, feeling the warmth of how much you loved me. Feeling the comfort of you being mine. I love and miss you eternally Justin. You are forever engraved into my heart and I wish more than anything to see you again someday.

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