All Said and Done

I just saw a video title that made me start to think about the subject of divorce and remarriage again. My understanding of marriage is that God intended to join a man and a woman together so that they would become one flesh. Said marriage was supposed to last until death, and no one was supposed to disrupt it. Now, of course, sin entered later, and then people started doing things they weren’t supposed to do. Eventually, God allowed divorces even though He didn’t intend them to occur.

I’m a person who married and divorced several times in my past. I’ve been forgiven for such sins. If the Father has forgiven me, then humans shouldn’t try to condemn me or render me “useless goods” for it, especially since I can’t change it. 

My honest intention was to stay with the first man I married until death did us part, but things like porn, drugs, adultery, and severe emotional and physical abuse took place from day one. I was a very young person who suffered such things from my husband. I divorced him after the umpteenth case of adultery, beating, and attempted choking.

Some people practice certain religions who would tell me to this day that I’m still bound to that first husband. I don’t agree with that. My personal feeling is that it wasn’t a marriage that God intended me to be in. Therefore, He never put us together in the first place. Additionally, adultery occurred. That covenant was broken so many times it’s ridiculous. Should I have been bound to someone who clearly wasn’t bound to me? Should I have been forced to stay in something that God never put together? Is that really what Scripture says?

I married again some years later, and then I didn’t honor that marriage. My ex-husband did admit fault in ignoring me and so forth, but I had no right to dishonor the marriage because of it. He left me, and then we divorced some years later.

I married my best friend of 10 years some years later, and I thought it would last forever. It didn’t, and I guess we weren’t really best friends after all. It went downhill within 1.5 years. We separated because of his lies and infidelities, and we remained physically and emotionally separated for eight years. So adultery had occurred there before we got separated, and it surely occurred after we got separated. In fact, he eventually moved on and had another family or some such.

He had no interest in reconciling with me or honoring my Elohim as it seemed. I was not innocent during our separation. I had a relationship after our third year of separation, and of course, I fell in love with the man. I wasn’t looking for it to happen. He kind of entered my life right after a tragedy, and I fell for his nice guy thing.  I loved him. He apparently didn’t feel the same way.

He was the last person I was ever with. He was a Hebrew male who was a lot older than I was. I wrote about some things I admired about him in a previous post. I couldn’t get him to commit, so eventually, I left. I’ve been alone ever since. I was apart from him for about a year before I repented of all my wrongdoings and came back to the Father. After I did that, I was unable to see my ex again even if I wanted to, not under the circumstances that we were under anyway.

I finally divorced my estranged husband after eight years of separation and a long period of asking God about it, reading Scriptures, etc. I didn’t want to do a divorce that was a sin, so it took me a super-long time to come to a conclusion to do it. I was not hasty in my decision AT ALL. For the longest time, I had this lingering marriage that was not even a real marriage. My husband was with someone else and was not helping me financially, emotionally, etc. It needed to end.

I didn’t feel like I sinned, and I felt no sense of conviction like I grieved the Holy Spirit or anything. What I felt was a relief. I was relieved that I no longer had to be attached to someone who didn’t love me and was with someone else.

Again, there are people in certain religious groups who would tell me that I should have remained married to this person who had clearly decided a long time ago that he didn’t want my God or me. But did the Heavenly Father really intend to have me by myself forever and never give me a chance to marry a non-abusive man who is His? Did He really intend for me never to have a chance to be with someone who would love and cherish me and be my spiritual leader and worship Him with me? Something just seems wrong about that.

I know that sometimes we do have to deny ourselves and what we want so that we can be faithful to Yah. That’s why I haven’t even attempted to date anyone or anything. Not once have I gone out with a man or been with a man. I won’t do anything I’m unsure about.

I mean, I honestly have no desire to right now, but in the back of my mind, I still want a chance to have a spouse and then have a child before I’m really a “silver single.” Yeah, I get a lot of spam messages that call me a 50+-year-old woman. I’m not 50 years old. I’m not even 45 years old. I can still have children because my plumbing is still working as it should be and hasn’t skipped a beat. I mean, I still have regular cycles that don’t seem to be Petering out at all, lol. I just don’t have a husband…and I don’t know if I have a right either.

This is a really sensitive matter, and there are a lot of people out there trying to condemn people over divorce and remarriage. I know what the Messiah said in the 5th Chapter of Matthew. I also know about the Hebrew culture and some of the things that occurred within that culture, such as divorce and remarriage. I think this matter is going to take the extensive study of some verses in the original language. Words can sometimes get jacked up and change the entire meaning of stuff. For example, “put away” is not the same thing as divorce. Different Bibles use different terminology in the same verses, etc. 

Yes, it’s true that I do want to find something that would clear me to be able to marry again without committing a sin. I would love to be able to rebuke the condemnation that people try to bring to other people about this matter. However, if I can’t find Scripture that permits it, and I don’t get approval from my Heavenly Father, then it’s just something I’m going to have to live without for the rest of my life. I’d be sad about it because I’d feel that it was unfair I didn’t get a chance to have a truly loving marriage that wasn’t abusive. But…I’d rather deny myself a husband and another chance at motherhood than to do something that prevents me from being with Yah when it’s all said and done.

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