Sadness

He played nice all night last night.  Even when I caught him after he snuck out of the room.  I can’t help but wonder if bitch 2 actually agreed to meet him.  I can’t be sure how long he was out.  All I know is I woke up and he was gone.  That’s the third time in the last month.  I called him and he stated that he had gone to Circle K for cigarettes.  After he hit an ex girlfriend up for sex, I know I can’t trust him.   He used to come to me and for a while it was twice a day but now it’s nothing….nothing at all.  All I can say is she turned him down and refused to even chat with him.  Used to he told me I could see his phone anytime I wanted to.  Since I caught him he won’t let me see it at all except at a distance….and just forget looking at the screen when he’s on it.  My heart aches so badly now.  I don’t know what happened for him to cut me off so cleanly and search for sex outside the relationship within weeks after meeting.  It started in Albuquerque when we were getting along for the most part.  Now it’s even worse than ever.  Not only does he look at me like he wants to puke but he will barely touch me to give me a hug or a kiss.  I’m planning on leaving after I get my disability next month.  I may have to sneak off in the middle of the night, or day since he stays drunk all the time now.  Hopefully I can make it coincide with moving out of this hell hole to the other place.  I don’t want to be alone again.  I was alone for 9 years the last time.  I just don’t think I’ll have the heart to look for someone to even be just a companion again.  I found Ian just by accident and it blew up in my face in a big way.   I’ve been rejected so many times  by so many men and now this.  I just can’t handle the rejection any more.  I’d rather live on the streets in Dallas than keep going through this time after time.  I’m done.  I finally see that I’m destined to die alone.  My family doesn’t want me and I can’t find a man that does either.  It hurts so much that Murray (my cat) is the only male that will have me and even at that he seems to love Ian more than he does me.   I’ve had him since he was just a little kitten and he gets treats twice a day and has a huge bag of toys and a big cat tree to play on and a full bowl of food and water out 24/7.  I’ve spoiled him so rotten because I love him so much and want him to be happy beyond belief.

Ian has only taken me out to a sit down restaurant one time since we’ve been together and even at that I’m surprised he didn’t get it to go.  He just doesn’t seem to want to be seen in public with me.  He always walks 10 feet in front of me or 10 feet behind me unless we’re in line to pay for what we got.  He insists on going through the self check out lines rather than going through a line with a check out person.  Only time he uses a check out person line is when he wants cigarettes.  I should have known that he was ashamed of me (unless I’m paying) when he wouldn’t stand near me even to order at a fast food joint.  I remember when we first started seeing each other we went to Subway to get a sub sandwich and it was for only $5 for the two of us.  He looked at me with such tenderness and love in his eyes.  He held my hand or had his arm around me the whole time and in front of a crowd of people no less.

He sleeps in his clothes more often than without like he used to.

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