Monday, May 21, 2018
As you can see, I haven’t updated for over several weeks. Now it’s 3 days before my birthday (24th). I’ve spent my day helping my grandmother with her garage sale, finishing up my art prints (for sale) for the art exposition at my school (I’m excited yet nervous about it), and spent these past few weeks thinking about what the title says.
Let me jump right into it. The task of writing one entry per day has become difficult after a year and began to feel like a chore at times. Even though I loved it when I was writing one, the idea of writing an entry in the evening or the next day, felt tedious. Now and then, it would also take some time away from my sleep schedule, but that’s bad timing on my part.
The community here is wonderful, and I’m so grateful to have met many kind and wonderful people on here. It pains me to leave because I feel at home writing my entries on this website; Observant Bystander has become a second name to me. However, over the past two years—which I’m proud of, because I used to only write for a week then give up—my account has ceased to be completely anonymous. This made it difficult to write about some of my deeper emotions and instead, I resorted to writing vague observations or actions with a few comments of what happened throughout the day/past few days. This year has been perhaps the most difficult for me emotionally, but I didn’t write much of it—that I can recall—because of what I mentioned before. (I’m doing okay, by the way. I’m still pushing.) Writing has always helped me to take a moment to look at my feelings, which would help me deal with my problems, or solve them. But even if I had anonymity, things I would say about other people—specifically if they were having a hard time and it was affecting me—should not be shared online if they do not wish to, even if I didn’t say who they were. I was approached about this after I wrote about a friend. I apologized and removed it from the entry, realizing my mistake. So I came up with three solutions: keep the serious/friend stuff private and write the rest on here, write entirely in private, or don’t write at all. I’ve decided the second because the first would take away the flow of things and make it hard for me to stay on track. But I may end up with the last, knowing my inability to hold a proper journal in the past. This is why I decided I should write whenever I feel something is worth mentioning, that way I don’t fall into the chore trap, but I’d only write to myself. The dynamic would be very different because I won’t have people from GNJ replying to my entries, giving their advice or best wishes (also, I haven’t been engaging with other people on the site as they’ve been with me), and I have a tendency to keep my problems to myself (GNJ helped me open up a tiny bit) so it may encourage that. But it may also encourage the opposite because I feel much more comfortable sharing my problems in writing, and I see myself one day passing an entry to someone if I don’t feel comfortable telling them in person. In other words, I don’t feel the way I’m going about writing entries on here is helpful for me anymore, because it’s making me hide what I really want to write about. On top of all of that, I plan to make an online following for my career, and I fear if one day I do become successful, someone may come across this, somehow figure out who I am, and I would’ve shared more information than I prefer.
Don’t let all of this stop you from writing here. I love GNJ and it was certainly a good experience. If you need support, you can surely find it here. Maybe anonymity isn’t a problem for you, or you found a good regime for yourself on here, so I say keep doing it.
My best wishes go out to the website, O the skater, PrettyInBlack, Phantom, savedbygrace and everyone else I didn’t mention. Thank you, everyone, for whenever you gave your support, or simply said anything to me, and I wish you all the best. I have a few tears in my eyes because I’ll surely miss this website and the people here. Maybe one day I’ll come back, but it won’t be for a while.
That’s all for today.