I miss you.
Some days are tougher than others,
Everything is a constant reminder that I’m missing one of my brothers.
A family gathering is never complete,
One too many servings of salad, potatoes, and meat.
When I think of the memories we have it seems like it’s been such a long while,
I want to cry, scream, and smile.
I want to hug you again, laugh with you again, lose a game to you again, go on adventures with you again.
When I think of you now you were my best friend.
Always there to have my back,
and now everything has gone black.
I sit here now and write to you,
because I don’t know what the fuck else to do.
Maybe if I write a little longer, talk to you a little longer,
you’ll somehow respond and there’s a chance I can become a little stronger.
You were my inspiration to do good, to be courageous, to continue forward, to follow my dreams, and to set a good example,
and now it feels as though I am being trampled.
Trampled by life, by the memories, by the constaint reminders you are gone, by the “I’m sorry’s”, and by the what if’s
What if this, what if that. What if that lady just fell off a cliff.
Fell off a cliff rather than fall on you,rather than kill you and kill this families soul
and left us to dig a deep hole.
She killed our hope, joy, and happiness
she sparked our pain, horror, and sadness
She sparked the love we have for each other while killing our baby brother
The anger and sadness that never go away is the ginormous elephant in the room.
The ginormous elephant sending us all to our doom.
We just learned how to avoid it, how to distract it, how to tip toe around it.
And then sometimes and somedays more than other others this elephant demands attention and you want to take a sleeping pill for prevention
it screeches and addresses the nightmare in your brain and you think you will go absolutely insane while this elephant kicks.
It kicks so hared you feel it in your chest, in your brain, your heart, your soul, and all over until you can’t take it any more,
So.. you walk out the door.
You walk out the door and tell yourself everything is ok. Everything will be ok.
You distract and lie to yourself and put your emotions at bay.
You’re good at this now. Good at putting that elephant in a box that is fit for a mouse
until the next time it burst’s out.
This is all real scary and I don’t know when the pain will end
and no matter how much we miss our best friend
the days continue, the sun sets, life moves on and we grab another tissue
We will get through this I know this is true but forever we will never let go of you.
What I mean to say is I love you and don’t be worried, we aren’t too hurried.
Too hurried to see you that is but don’t think it hasn’t crossed every one of our minds.
It’s because our brains are in binds. Binded by the reminder that we have lost you forever.
Until the day we cross over that rainbow bridge together.
It still doesn’t seem real, real that you’re gone and you’re never coming home,
I even still go to pick up my phone. Pick up my phone to message you but there will be no
answer .. no response.. only silence and we are left with no logical reason or science.
We had so much left to do together and now what,
now I’m stuck here thinking of you not knowing what to do stuck in a permanent rut.
I hear music, exercise, read, and go to work,
there you always are in some way shape or form always there just to lurk
You haven’t said anything to me, I have had no dreams, no miracle sign or voice in my
head to make me think I’m crazy.
Yet instead I feel as though I am going more insane wishing for something to save me.
I wish you would contact me, haunt me, and would see me someway on any day.
I hope you’re somewhere happy most of all,
and I hope one of these days you’ll give me some sort of a call.
I just want to know you are doing well and you are okay
Just tell me you are okay and I will go away
Most importantly you should know you are loved and missed like no other,
after all you were always all of our favorite brother.
I love you J.. my little bro
Please see me,
Please hear me,
Please let me know you are okay.
With loads of love and tears, forever and always,
I miss you.
yours truly, Big Sis