I miss you

Hey J,

It hasen’t gotten easier. Nope Not Yet and I have come to realize it never will. You being gone forever will never ever get easier. Yes maybe we have learned to do basic life functions with the thought and knowledge of it but no it never gets easier. You are always there. In the songs I hear, in the classes I take, in the books I read, in the conversations , and in the experience I have. Everywhere all the time there’s this bell ringing that you are dead. There you have you. My little brother is dead. And that sentence that knowledge that fact will. Never. Get. Easier. I want to hear you and see you and hug you and just ask you how you are. How are you? I still haven’t heard anything. I don’t ever expect to at this point but I won’t give up at least that hope. The hope that you’ll somehow contact me and say hello or say that you are doing okay and are well. Or that you aren’t ok and you are mad or sad or angry that this happened to you like the rest of us. I love you. I want you to know I love you and never will forget about you. That is something I worried a lot about but it will never happen. You are unforgettable and I don’t think I had to tell you that. I hope Cole is doing ok and dawson and hayden and lily and all of your other amazing friends. I am sure you are keeping track of them and watching their channels too. God I MISS YOU. Have I said that yet? I miss snapchatting you and swnding you funny videos on instagram and and texting you randomly about something stupid. I miss you never responding to me or saying eww to an ugly snapchat I sent. I miss your tall muscular hugs and your lying face. I miss losing games to you and playing sports with you. I miss teasing you and sticking up for you. I miss your smile and kindhearted loving caring personality. I miss you. You never put me down or acted like you were better or better looking than anyone else even though you always were. You always were excepting and caring and kind.  That is not something you find in a highschool star athlete teenage kid. I miss being younger and making your lunches and driving you to school. I miss our real talks we used to have during a simpler time when we would tell each other everything. You always lifted everyone else up around you and were so thoughtful. You were the best qualities of Cody Logan and Myself all put together within this incredible human names Justin. If I ever have a son I’ll name him calvin and you’ll know. You’ll know it’s for you. I just really wanted to say that I miss you J. God I miss you so much and so does Logan and Cody Aiden Ashlynne, Mom, Nick, the Grandparents, Dad, Lily, Everyone. Everyonw misses you cause Everyone loves you. So Damn Much. Notice how I didn’t say loved. because past tense would be wrong. You are still so loved. So So So loved forever and always. I know if you were to actually read these you would think WTF that’s sappy or who even is this person where did my sister go. But when I don’t have you on the other end of the conversation messing around, making jokes, and teasing me it’s pretty difficult to stay positive or crack jokes. You always were the glue to this family and the glue to us siblings. Cody Logan and I were arguing the other day and I just lost it and kept thinking this is just not going to work. We are a house without a foundation, the earth without gravity, a car without fuel. We just don’t work. You were the Glue. And in a way you still are. And we make up and are fine because that’s what siblings do. But it is just different you know? It is just so different without you here. Not only the relationships between family members and between us sibling but in the world. Everything about the world is different and not in a good way. In a terribly sad and dreary way. But we are getting through it day by day and we have excepted it will never go back to how it was you will never be coming home and there will always be a depressing part of our lives and minds that we will learn to live with. 

I miss you lil bro, 

Love Always,


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