Anxiety Sucks

I don’t even know where to begin it’s been a rough few days for me. I’ve been letting my anxiety get the best of me, I feel as though I’m drowning that everything is turned upside down, that I can’t breathe. Honestly it’s been more like a few weeks instead of days but since my therapy session last week things are a little better they always are. Last week was a very emotional it was the anniversary of my mom’s stroke, than my boyfriend was called back to work 4 days early again. I’ve barely seen him since he started this new shift (14 days on 7 days off) he hasn’t had a full week off in over a month and him being gone is a lot harder on me than realized it would be. My anxiety has been playing with me a lot my minds constantly racing, I can’t concentrate on anything it seems. Some days my negative thoughts start taking over and I start doubting the bond we have, that I start telling myself that its just a matter of time that he leaves me too. Deep down I know he’s not, he is everything to me and it would destroy me if he does. Truthfully I’m terrified by the fact that if that happens I don’t know how I would respond because he made me see what a real relationship is like, what it feels like to be loved unconditionally no holds bared kind of love. I know all my doubts are nonsense caused by the pain and trauma of my past, which I’m working on in therapy on how to let those things go. I’m embarrassed at the fact that I need therapy that I’ve only told a handful of people because I don’t want that judgement. I still feel like I have to hide who I am just so everyone will except me, I look for everyone’s approval even when I feel like I’m dying inside I’ll put on that fake smile and be who they want. I know it’s not healthy to do that because if I’m miserable what’s the point of doing it so others are happy. I’ve always put everyone else’s happiness before my own and I still do. I gotta remember the phase “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”. It’s what I’m trying to live by as  find myself again find the person was before I became so guarded and isolating myself from everyone, which has got worse over the years. I need to be me and stop hiding behind a mask….

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