2 months

How. How has it been 2 months. I remember going crazy when I wouldn’t see you for 2 days. And it’s been 2 months. And I still have forever to go, that part is hard for me to think about. I stayed home from school today, it was the humanities picnic. It rained today so they had to move it into the wrestling gym and you know I was not about to be crammed in the wrestling gym all day with 250+ kids. Things like that at school are so hard for me because I was always so excited for them when you were here. Even the stuff that most kids wouldn’t want to be apart of, like a freaking fire drill. I literally got excited about fire drills because that meant I got to see you for a little longer. And that wasn’t just in the beginning that was up until my last day with you. This feeling of excitement when I was with you. I don’t know if I will ever feel that with anyone again. I just fell so in love with you everything about you I felt so lucky to have. I was amazed by your whole entire being. I was obsessed with you. Not in a creepy way you know that but I just loved you more than I loved anything. I still love you I will love you for the rest of my life. I know it’s selfish but I keep thinking about the future. Will I be alone the rest of high school or will I find someone to help me through this. And I don’t mean just friends I mean a guy. I know that may be hard for you to hear and don’t get me wrong I know it’s selfish. And I know it’s only been 2 months but I can’t stop thinking about the future. Will I ever be happy with someone like I was with you. Will I ever see as amazing of a future as I did with you.  Will I ever feel that excitement again. Will I be able to do things with other people without feeling guilty, without feeling like I’m hurting you. Will I find someone who I can talk about you with and let my emotions out. Or will they just feel uncomfortable and not know what to say. Not know what to say to the girl who’s boyfriend of 2 years was killed in a car accident. As I walk around school I feel the eyes on me every second and I feel the label being smacked on my back. The girl who’s boyfriend died. The girl who walks around school like she’s fine but really all she wants to do is break down right there in front of everyone. She wants everyone to feel what she feels, the constant pain. She wants to feel loved again. She wants to feel safe. But she doesn’t anymore. She’s lonely. And she misses you. She’s cared she won’t ever find that again. I don’t want to sound selfish but it’s just the truth. The truth is that I’m really good at hiding my emotions and I think people don’t really know how I feel about everything. I mean they obviously know I’m sad anyone would be. But when I walk around school I think that they think I’m getting through it or that it’s getting better. But I really just want to tell everyone that it’s not. It’s not getting better and it never will. I think at some point I will get used to it I mean I have to it’s forever a part of my life now. But the thought of you being gone forever will never feel any better. Not now, not 50 years from now. I feel like I have so much to say and I need to start writing these more often. Anyways I love you and miss you so much. ♥️lily

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