today was hard

Hey. So today was hard. Today I realized how boring and empty my life is now. we used to hang out every weekend. Now my weekends consist of laying in bed, taking multiple naps a day, watching Netflix, and checking my phone until there isn’t any new post or things to distract me. I’ve become so bored. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know why today was the first time I realized how lonely I am and how lonely I’ll feel for awhile. But I did. And I broke down. I don’t want to feel this way. I feel like a bump on a log, like I have no purpose anymore, like there’s no point to anything. I feel helpless and self conscious. I want to hang out with friends and get out of the house but at the same time I want to hide under the blankets forever. I think about having a good time and going out but then I think of how you won’t be there. How you aren’t going to be there. Ever. And that’s scary. You were always my protecter my comfort. You were home and I always felt so safe with you. I didn’t have a worry in the world when you were by my side. Now I’m scared that if I go out with a group of friends or to a party and let myself be vulnerable that I won’t feel safe. No I know I won’t feel safe. I want to have fun but it’s just so hard. It’s so hard without you. I sat on the porch today for awhile. I just needed to get out of my room sometimes I just feel gross in there. Like my life is just wasting away. I brought out a blanket cuz it’s overcast and weird right now. I listened to music, mostly sad songs but also some of the songs you showed me. I just sat there and cried. Harder than I have in awhile. I find my mind going to different places when I think about it. Sometimes I don’t think you’re listening or that you can even see me. And then other times it’s like I don’t know why I’m crying because you can’t really be gone. I tell myself that you’re still here because I can’t accept it. Sometimes I’m just angry and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I would never hurt myself if anything like that but I think it’s a pretty normal thing to wish to not be living a life like this. And sometimes I realize it all really is true and you’re really not here anymore. All of the circumstances hurt the same. I think the thought of your family hurts me the most. The pain they must be going through. I know what I’m feeling and I know how much it hurts but it’s nothing compared to losing a sibling or a child or a grandchild. It’s all different grief. I just know how much they love you. They love you so much. You were everyone’s favorite. You held it all together. I miss the wildwood house and all the memories we made there. I remember being so sad when you told me you were moving and you didn’t understand why. To be honest I didn’t know why I was so upset over it. Obviously I knew part of it was because we made so many memories there but I just felt like I was losing something. I just had a bad feeling. Like things were changing and I was scared. I’ve never felt that before. Now I look back and think maybe it was a sign but then again so many things could’ve been signs. None of us could’ve done anything to stop what happened and it’s just the sad truth. Because if we could’ve  we woudve done everything in our power, all of us. I keep thinking about the future and everything I was so excited about. Getting to drive around with you finally because you got your license. You were such a great driver. You told me you were going to take me somewhere for my birthday. I’ll never know where that was going to be now. That breaks my heart because I know it would’ve been somewhere so special. Somewhere I probably told you I wanted to go and you remember because you always remembered those little things I would say. I was always so bad about remembering but you seemed to keep track of it all. I was always so fascinated by that. I looked forward to this summer with you. Going to the lake and the beach and summer parties. Staying up way to late and sleeping in cuz we didn’t have school to worry about. Laughing and not having a worry in the world. Looking up at the stars and thinking about life and how I was so lucky to have you. I was excited to watch you play football next year, being the star quarterback. I was excited to wear your jersey and feel proud that you were mine despite all the jealous looks I got from all the girls that were in love with you. I don’t blame them. I was excited to watch you succeed and become even better than you already were. I looked forward to watching you become bigger and stronger. You were so determined. I was excited for it all. All the new memories that were going to be made. Now it all seems so much more important and exciting. When you were here I just had you and that was normal. That was life that’s what I knew. So thinking of all those memories that would’ve been made was exciting but it was normal. What I’m trying to say is that the feeling is so different after you lose someone. You realize how much more excited you should’ve been. I’ve realized that. and it sucks. I’m sorry we don’t get to make all those memories. I’m so sad. So broken. I don’t know why this has to be my life, why this has to be anyone’s life. It should’ve never been you. And I’m so sorry. You had so many hopes and dreams and I am so so incredibly sorry you didn’t get to fulfill them. I promise no matter how hard it’s going to be I will do my best to achieve all that I can. I will try to make you proud. I will try to find love again. I will try to be happy. But I can’t promise that any of that will happen. Because I can’t control my emotions and I can’t control the negativity that runs through my mind now. It’s all still so fresh and I think I just have to take it day by day still. I think I’m going to go to bed now I’m really tired. I wish I could just call you and hear your voice. Just see your name on my phone again. I love you and miss you so much. ♥️lily

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