Still waiting for it to get easier.
Hey J, I feel like I have no words to sat anymore. No words to accurately describe how I feel or how much we miss you. There’s a period of time of shock and then the reality strikes you again and again and again until it is just there. A permanent reality no longer needing to remind you it’s real. No longer needing to remind you because it’s all you ever think about and you have no way of denying it. And after the reality settles in you are just dull. Not really sure what to do not really sure how to move forward when everything has been flipped upside down.. Yet you just keep going and keep doing the same things you did before. It’s a 24/7 dull ache in your heart your stomach your mind and in your soul. I thought at least when I sleep I would see you and get to spend a little more time with you. Both that hope was thrown off a cliff and drowned in the rushing river. Any last hope or motivation sunk down deep and I have a feeling I won’t see it for a long while. Every night I lay in bed hoping to dream of you. Hoping to talk to you hoping to see your face. I don’t care what it is that I am seeing when or what it is I just want to see you even if its how you looked before you died. And maybe that is why even in my dreams you are dead. I have dreams of situations where you are gone. Random stupid things, so stupid I barely remember them but I know you aren’t there. Your presents is gone not only in life but in my dreams and in my sub conscience. I don’t even feel you with me anymore. I don’t feel you anywhere. And maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that means that you have moved on away from us somewhere that you can be eternally happy. Or maybe that means you are nowhere. I don’t know. I hope not I hope you are somewhere close to us at least close enough to see how much we miss you and still see our life accomplishments if there is any. There will be though right? Maybe you know these answers. you know where we will end up all ready and you don’t need to see us anymore. I wish I knew where you were. Even if it’s somewhere bad. Even if it will hurt so bad to see where you are cause I least I can see you. At least I can know the truth cause believe me nothing is as bad as my imagination.
In case you didn’t know I miss you. I miss the glue that kept us siblings close. I miss the reasonable one. The methodical one. The funny smartass. The real raw and strong one. The sibling that was every other siblings favorite. Ya you. I miss you. Come say hi sometime OK???