Which Way Is Up

The question of the day is which way is up? That’s something I been asking myself a lot lately especially the last few day and most definitely yesterday. I was spiraling out of control last night where I know I wasn’t making any sense. But I do know one thing for sure if it wasn’t for the love I have for my children and my man I wouldn’t be here today. The love I have for them stopped me from doing something I knew wasn’t the answer but in my mind it felt like it was the only option. I was ready to make the choice of letting them all go last night not because I don’t love them but because I do and don’t feel I deserve them that they all deserve better than anything I could do. It got so bad I started planning things out and what I would write into letters for them. Living with anxiety and depression isn’t something I would wish on my worse enemy but here I am living everyday with it. Is today better than yesterday…..Yes it is but its not a good day or normal day. That’s all I want in this life is to wake up and have a normal happy day, a day without anxiety, a day without the pain I feel deep inside of me or the guilt I carry. Will I ever have a day like that….I don’t know I’m hopeful that I will. Cause I know I can’t have days like yesterday where I was ready to give up my children to my abusive ex and hurt them in a way no mother should. Than on top of that I was ready to crush the man made me believe in love again, the man that loves me unconditionally and believes in me in ways no one ever has. The 4 of them saved my life last night and they will never know that because I can’t tell them….and by saving my life I mean…. I wasn’t necessarily going to end my life but I was going to leave and go far away where I could never hurt them or anyone else, where I’ll live in isolation. Besides myself and now whoever reads this only one person knows just how awful last night really was. Today I realize my way of thinking last night isn’t normal or rational at all and made realize my past has huge grip on me still, the abuse will never be erased from my life but I can’t let it define who I am anymore. I am still here despite what my abusers did to me, it’s time I start using my abuse as fuel to prove them and anyone else who doesn’t believe in me wrong. It’s time to stop hiding behind the mask of shame and start being my true self no matter what consequences are or who I may lose in my life are. I have to live my life for me not to someone else’s standards or for their approval. To quote Dr. Seuss “Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” “Today you are you and that’s truer than true, there is no one alive that is youer than you.” These are quotes that I need to start living by and just maybe things will get better and easier, than I can be happy and content with my life every part. 

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