Randomous II

Too continue from my entry last night with all my randomous. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person who always wonders if their doing a good job as a parent, daughter, girlfriend and friend or I am I screwing everything up and everyone. I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Honestly it has to do with my ex (my kids biological father) he seems to always question everything I do or has an opinion to what I am doing. He says I’m to strict with our kids because we have rules in our house and at his place there really isn’t rules. He always makes me out to be the bad guy while hes the fun one. By all of this it makes things here at home 100 times harder on me with them. My girls are teens and my son will be soon in few months, so yeah it’s difficult at times because they seem to think his lack of rules apply here. I’ve talked to him about this more times than I should have but always goes in one ear and out of the other cause he doesn’t care. Is it really so much to ask for to keep their bedroom clean and organized, to help with daily household chores, do what is asked of them without an argument and to treat each member of the family with respect. That is all I ask of them but it seems to much to ask in his book. Sometimes I wonder if doesn’t tell them to act like the do just to make it harder on me out of spite. Reason I say spite is because he’s made attempts in the past to try to get back together even though he knows it will never happen. He put me through way to much abuse in the years we were together, I wish he would have been physically abuse at least then there would have been actual proof of what he did to me, But instead he verbally, mentally and sexually abused me, he loved playing mind games with me to guilt me into doing whatever he wanted. I am beyond ashamed of who I was in that relationship and still till this day I let it affect my life in someway. But going through therapy and being with a man whos showed me what a real loving relationship is I am slowly gaining that power back. Plus being able to put it out there like this and letting others know the truth is empowering. It’s my life he can’t control it anymore, he is probably one of the biggest regrets of my life the only good from that relationship is my kids. The pain I went through is apart of who I am today and that pain eventually brought me into my current relationship and I couldn’t be happier. I now have a man who treats me like a queen, who loves me for me and unconditionally, a man who treats my kids as his own, who makes great sacrifices to support our family, and more importantly made me trust and believe in love again. So in a way I should thank my ex for taking advantage and not appreciating me cause without that I may have never had the opportunity to have the relationship I have. But I won’t thank him cause he doesn’t deserve it. One man’s loss is another man’s gain…..RIGHT!  

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