Life update





Hey J,

Now that it’s all settled in I go through depressive and good states. Like when I’m distracted life is ok the day is ok my mind is ok. But when I’m not distracted life is shit and I want to crawl into a ball in a dark room and cry. Yes I know very dramatic and two very different times. I’ve been exercising a lot lately I find that it helps. I feel like with times like these you really find what makes you happy. For me it’s exercise, dogs, music, being with people that make me smile, and planning adventures. And paychecks.. Ya paychecks are good too. I’m looking forward to the new adventures that are going to take place soon. Mexico, Costa Rica, Sonoma State, Moving.. This year was supposed to be so good ya know? Why did this happen. If someone could just figure out where the fuck people go after they die that’d be great. I wanna see you more in my dreams I wanna hear you talk this time. I wanna hear your voice. Just maybe wait till I’m with someone or with the dogs cause at 2 in the morning I’m a wimp. Honestly that probably was just my subconscious but I don’t even care. It was nice. And I hope it continues forever.

Show me in 20 years what you would’ve looked like if you were an adult, if you were 25 years old and successful. Cause we all know you would’ve been.  You would’ve stolen the show from all of us you successful good lookin intelligent son of a bitch. I’m glad I can still talk to you like you’re here. Like you are  sitting across from me right now at Starbucks. I’m at a table with an empty chair across from me. My laptop is in front of that empty chair where you should be. 

Let’s see if I can give you a life update despite you probably not needing one. Cody is still in school and with Katie. Still playing video games and being his wierdo funny self. Logan is getting back surgery tomorrow which is a really good thing! So we’ll see how that goes. Logan wants to travel and sell his car. He really wanted to tell you about and show you that car. Logan wants to travel but doesn’t have a job or money or intention on going to school to get the money to travel so per usual who knows what logan will do. Ashlynne will be going to 7th grade next year! How did that happen hu??!! She is so incredibly intelligent and driven. She just told me the other day that she once read 800 pages in one day to finish a book. Like wuuuut. Aiden is aiden trying to figure out his sexuality and going into high school next year. I guess going to NU and I swear I’ll never be able to go there again so I feel kinda bad but ya.. Mom is still crying every day and going to work just to come home and cry more. But I distract her and we watch Netflix together and pretend we are okay. She is still lost in her garden and being an amazing mom. Nick is going back and forth with work and A and A. And probably just tired in general. Mom and Nick found a couple at the Compassionate friends support group and they went out to dinner with then and were gone for a long time. They had a really good night just talking and drinking too much. They lost their son Scottie to cancer. So if you can and are able to say high to Scottie for me and for all of us. Play some ball with him and hang out till we meet you up there. Send me a dream or a sign that you’re with him maybe if you can. I’m so happy mom found them. Honestly I haven’t talked to dad at all. At least you being gone doesn’t change anything no fake or exceptions it just is what it is. The grandparents are still crying too of course along with everyone. Gardening and keeping busy works for them. Cody is very proud of his weed plants at gmas house. LOL. Micaela is having a graduation ceremony tomorrow June 7th that I’ll go to. She’s going to high school too. Everyone is growing up and life is moving forward despite me not wanting it to.  But in another way I do want it to so it will hurt less but I have learned that it will always hurt. So There’s that. As for me I guess I just miss you so fucking much. There are no words to describe how much we all miss you. I do things that remind me of you which usually involve some sort of adrenaline/ activity. Okay I have to go to work. 

I love you so much.

Stay Golden Brotha with loads of love,

Big sis

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