The Road Of Unknowns.

Over the last two years I have navigated more life changes than most do in a lifetime. I have grieved (Okay, let’s be honest, I still am grieving) the loss of my career, my friends, my mobility and physical limitations, my dreams of buying a house, etc… I have watched my savings slip away, I have cried over not being able to get dressed, I have been angry at the person who so carelessly hit me… I have questioned the why’s and felt the unfairness of the world. I have struggled to keep my head afloat as I strive to hold onto the person I once was or, at the very least, bits and pieces of her. So as I face yet another hardship, I find myself in tears, heartbroken and unprepared. Emotionally unprepared that is. Technically speaking I’ve been planning for months yet I remain as lost as a city girl in the National Forrest. I pray, I research, I learn, but… Nothing.

Sorry, what am I talking about? I’m talking about saying goodbye to my house. To some, “It’s only a rental.” To me, it’s home. It’s the home I worked so hard to afford without needing roommates. It’s the home with the farmhouse front porch. It’s the home with the best neighbors. It’s the home where, for the first time since I’ve owned her, my dog will go outside and stay outside for HOURS without needing me to be with her. She will sun bathe, putter, chase rabbits, whatever… And she is happy as a clam because there aren’t dogs next door who are going to charge the fence or bark at her… She can finally be a dog and a happy one at that. My heart breaks at the thought of taking it away from her. When I found this house, we (my family and I) had been searching for months. I brought my sister and my mom here on separate occasions and both of them were in awe, “This is it, this is the one” they’d say. I had that feeling, too. In fact, I felt it before bringing them here but it was nice to know they felt the same. This is the home where I hosted my first holiday (we have a BIG family). The home where I successfully set up a home office. The home with window seats for reading! The home with the back yard that is one big project, yet so incredibly lovely in all it’s messy glory ha-ha. The hummingbirds, the hawks, the rabbits and raccoons… The squirrel that taunts my dog and chatters at her when she chases her into a tree each time ha-ha. This place is home…

So what comes next? I don’t know. I’ve spent COUNTLESS hours researching everything from buying a home, to renting, to buying an RV and traveling, to Tiny Houses, to so much as living in a camper van! Part of me is desperately holding onto the dream of buying a home but part of me knows it’s so far away… I pray for guidance but I’m just not feeling it. I think how exciting and fun traveling could be but then I think of my PTSD and the fact that I’d no longer have a home at all, who would I be then? My family is against any idea that involves me not being nearby and it’s both endearing and frustrating at the same time. I read and participate in social media groups but no matter how much I do, I still don’t feel a draw towards one thing or another…

I just feel so overwhelmed that I’m frozen. I have an entire house of furnishings and stuff. 1600 sq. ft. worth of stuff to be exact. What would I do with it all? Storage? Sell all the things I have spent the last 15 years working for? Ugh. It tugs at my heart strings. I know in the grand scheme of things, if I have my dog, I know I’ll be okay. But the reality is, I have 3 months. The hours, the days, the weeks are ticking by and I haven’t made any decisions, any progress… I’m stuck. Help. 

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