Letting go

I need to let go of everything & put myself into bettering my life, admitting all my flaws, finding my self love & happiness. I’m tired of my heart breaking & not ever understanding why it keeps happening & why I let it hurt me like this. I will be talking to myself to figure out myself. I need to be 100% honest with myself about why I am the way I am. I’m 30. I have 2 kids. 9 year old daughter & 4 year old son. My son’s dad is J. My daughter’s dad is T. He passed away in 2014. I loved him. I still love him. This, him, he is the reason for the way I love & my commitment to loving a guy through their flaws & why I’m so scared of loosing love. I mean everyone’s like that really but it’s just like a constant thing in my life I guess. We weren’t together when he passed. I went through postpartum depression for 2 years after our daughter was born and I was going crazy. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, he didn’t know what to do or how to handle it or why I was so unhappy & I didn’t know what to do anymore, he started drinking so I left him & it literally broke him. I still regret it every single day & will for my whole life. He got on heroin. I love him so much it kills me. We still loved each other & I was his best friend. He couldn’t be my best friend & I never expected him  to try to be a dad while he was on it so our relationship was me being his best friend. After 2 years in prison he came home clean but I couldn’t just drop everything to be with him again. I had a 2 month old son & in a relationship that should have never happened. He asked me if I would give him the chance to have his family again & I said yes but I have to get my son’s dad to realize that our relationship isn’t working. We were best friends, he was the best dad again, he didn’t push me to hurry up & leave my current relationship bc he knew I wasn’t gonna jump from one to the other. I had to end it right & then we would start our relationship over from the beginning. So he started talking to a girl while he was waiting for me & she had addictions & he tried it again & it killed him. 

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