Bring Me To Heaven

“I don’t want to cry no more

I don’t want to regret the things I’ve done

I don’t want to miss you when you are gone- take me away from this place,

I don’t want to cry no more

I don’t want to regret the things I’ve done

I don’t want to see the pain again

Keep your promise and bring me to heaven

Keep your promise and bring me to heaven!”

Every day that passes things actually just seem to feel worse and worse. People say it’s the reality of the whole thing kicking in and the shock of those four days at the hospital is wearing off…I suppose that does make sense but whatever it is, the pain is just getting worse. Yesterday was a second meeting with the funeral director, both Will’s family and mine meet with the funeral director. I suppose we are all getting through all the decisions that have to be made. Selecting a medley of photos for the service has proved a lot harder than I anticipated. I have to send those via e-mail today. The funeral is on June 19th at 2:30pm.

Everything is just absolutely hideous. Harry was my whole world and now I suddenly have fuck all to do, again. I hate having returned to my completely pointless status. My life is completely and utterly worthless again. Strangely enough though I’m much more exhausted than when I was every day looking after Harry. I wake up and I am literally still exhausted, like I haven’t just slept a full night at all when obviously I have done. Just this instant exhaustion as soon as I open my eyes. Oh it’s just all such absolute SHITE, it is horrendous. I keep re-living the whole thing and no one can take that away for me. It’s one my parents and I suffer as we were the ones there…I was the one who was with Harry that night, who found him in the morning, who begged for an ambulance, I took the ambulance drive of complete terror whilst the paramedics were desperately trying to save Harry in the back…you can’t make that one better for me. No words or advice or wisdom can take that one away.

No one can take away the guilt either. No one can turn back time for me, no one can bring my Harry back, no one can live my life for me without Harry. It’s all just awful, the pain is horrendous, this is the absolute worst thing out of all my years of struggling with self harm, anxiety and suicide attempts…nothing has been like this. What’s happened has been a million times worse than all my years of mental health issues put together, losing Harry is on a massive scale much larger than all those years put together. My life is just worthless and completely pointless again and I can’t believe it. I’m terrified Harry suffered but I’ve been told that when people suffer fits and seizures they black out and just don’t remember it.

My Harry was so beautiful, affectionate, loving, gentle, intelligent and funny…and happy. How is it that he’s gone? Because I didn’t raise the alarm in the night when I should have. He could have been saved. For now I’m still carrying on but my guilt keeps making me think of suicide. I don’t deserve to be alive after what’s happened. I am the reason Harry is gone…I left him to die of his seizures…I should have said something at 3:45am. He could have been saved. It’s all my fault. How am I supposed to live with that? How am I supposed to live without Harry? I changed my life for him and now he’s gone. I had no job, I was a full time mum to him. Now I have nothing. What the hell am I supposed to do?

 

 

3 thoughts on “Bring Me To Heaven”

  1. Live for him. Suicide would be the easy way out. If you truly feel that you are responsible, live as he would’ve wanted to see you live. It’s now your responsibility to do more now than you ever could have imagined that you would do, even if you are exhausted. Go experience things he wanted to experience. Go see the things he wanted to see. This way, some day, when you are together with him again, you will be able to share with him all the memories. This will be the greatest gift you can give him.

  2. I can’t begin to imagine your pain, dear girl. Know that I am praying for you. Harry is safe and well and happy with Jesus. Don’t hurt yourself, please, please. You want to live your life so you can go to Heaven and be with Harry at the end of your life. Honestly, I am not sure suicides go to Heaven…..I am not clear on it. I want you to be safe and sure. There will be joy in the morning. Hugs.

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