It struck me recently how you can look at yourself and the world around you differently depending on the start you have to your day. On days where my health isn’t great it starts like this entry is trying to explain and despite slapping a warming smile on my face for everyones elses sake I go through the day feeling this judgmental blue weight pulling in my chest. It stays there until I am lying in bed praying for a better start tomorrow.
I peel back my eyelids to the welcoming rays of the sun signalling the beginning of a brand new day. Despite the fact I know I have slept through the night do i feel well rested? No. I feel trapped in a prison of fatigue, causing my body to move sluggishly like a machine with rusting old joints. I have a painful rising ritual, wibbling and wobbling until I am steady and confident I can take a step without falling flat on my face. Beginning my day while taking mental stock of what pains emotional or physical i am going to encounter today. Will i have a crippling migraine that come multiple times a week after having a brain hemorrhage? Will it be the usual aches and pains or will i miraculously just feel ok and go about my day? Being a young women is this how i should drag myself up each morning why does it have to be this way? Shouldn’t a 26 years old give a languorous stretch and rise with a yawn and lazy smile tugging gently on your lips be the norm?
Into the bathroom I trudge to splash my face with some icy clear water to rouse some feeling and alertness into my morning. Gently padding my face with a towel I catch a glance in the mirror and stop to really take a look at the face I should know so well. Now I don’t exactly have a beautiful face but I am confident it isn’t particularly awful either.It’s a difficult situation taking stock of your appearance and the changes that come with maturity. It strikes me how you see yourself when you look hard at your appearance depending on your health or just your mood in general.
I don’t always feel this way about myself but this morning this is what seen as I stared at my own reflection. As warming light filters through the blinds I notice the shine in my long coppery auburn hair, it makes me smile. The way my hair changes when the light catches the golden strands and the coppery orange strands making it stand apart from the regular mousy brown strands. This is the same but then I move to my eyes and notice that the real difference from my youth lie there. Gone are the shiney pools of my youth, instead stare back a duller blue that seems to have lost the shine that shimmered there before with just the sheer joy of life. Now I seek out joy and love through my family and children. Only filtered through them do I seem to find hints of that old glimmer, I can’t seem to create my own joy and love of life in general. In turn my mouth doesn’t seem to hold that constant hint of a smile that always seemed to be hiding behind my lips waiting to break out in a life loving grin. It seems my mouth just is. It still holds the delicate rosebud shape that people have complimented since I was a child, but without the hidden smile and loving life attitude it seems to have lost its charm.
Maybe tomorrow I will have a better opinion of myself or maybe I won’t but i do always leave that bathroom with the hope that i can make the most of the day, make the most of my children and make the most of the life i have the privilege of living. Even if it’s done with a smile masking the grimace or the laughter disguising a tear. I try not to let people see my health because it’s personal but it doesn’t mean i don’t want to share how i feel every now and again.