Where to even begin….

I really don’t even know where to begin. It was suggested that I write down how I’m feeling, but honestly, I can’t even put into words how I’m feeling. I’m literally that broken. So broken that even things that make me happy don’t cheer me up like they used to, aside from my children, of course. I think if they weren’t here I would have spiraled out of control. I feel like this is going to be all over the place, so if anyone reads this, please keep that in mind.

I’m fucking angry. I feel like my life is in complete shambles because of two people. Two people whom I trusted more than anyone fucked me so bad that I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be happy again. Short version: wife, now ex, and best friend, obviously now ex, having a secret relationship behind my back. I don’t know if even I, as I’m currently living it, truly can comprehend that level of betrayal. Here I am confiding in my “best friend” who’s asking how I’m doing and how I’m handling my split up all while he’s been seeing her. Who does that? How can someone do that to another person? It baffles me.

What worries me now is how jaded I’ve become. I’m now currently a pessimist in virtually every aspect of my life. I’m a glass half empty thinker. I literally don’t trust anyone. I always look for the angle someone is working with me. I constantly ask myself “why are you doing/saying this at this particular time? What are you hoping to gain from this” It’s awful. I can’t even determine is someone is being genuinely nice to me and caring or if there’s some other motive. 

People tell me all the time that I’ll find the right person someday. Does such a person actually exist? Is love even real? Is it even worth it? I am miserable right now if that wasn’t obvious. What if I meet someone, something happens and then I feel like this all over again? I’ve been on my own for about a year and a half now and I’ve firmly stuck to “fuck feelings, feelings only get you hurt” and it seems to have served me well. But I know that one day, I’m going to break my own rules and set myself up to fail, I just know it. I know that I will find someone who I’m crazy about, that I feel like I would do anything for and that person is not going to feel the same. That scares the shit out of me too. 

Then comes the “get out there and date” advice from people. That type of advice only comes from people who have the confidence to do that themselves. Presently, I am in a very low confidence, very low self esteem position. I’ve said to friends that I would only ask someone out if I was 100% sure they would say yes. I can’t handle that level of awkward rejection. There are people in my life that I would absolutely love to date, but I’ll never move on those feelings because again, I don’t know if they would say yes and that type of embarrassment that I would feel is not something I’m prepared for mentally right now. Plus dating scares the shit out of me anyways. Due my my lack of confidence right now, I would always be trying to second guess everything going on. Is she bored? Am I boring? Did I chose a lame idea for a date? Does this shirt make my gut look bigger than usual? Why am I sweating so much? These are all questions that go through my mind. I’ve made the joke that I would love if someone came up to me and said “look dude, I know you like me, I think I like you too. You’re going to pick me up at this time and we’re going to go here and we’re going to have a great fucking time.”  This would be perfect. Though because I’m so neurotic, I’d still be like, “I wonder if she wants to go out? Hmm?” On the flip side, I don’t even know if I’m ready to start dating right now. I feel like since my head is so fucked right now, I would be terrible company. Plus going on dates = feelings which then = likely to get hurt when I feel something that someone else doesn’t. Yeah, I’m definitely not ready for dating. I’m starting to sound like a psycho.

I guess to sum this up is that I just have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea what I’m doing in this journal or in my life for that matter. I actually did kind of like writing this stuff even though as I’m sitting alone on my couch writing it, basically talking to myself, it only reemphasizes that I am alone and quite possibly destined to be alone.

Life’s a bitch sometimes.

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