I think of killing myself quite too often because I am always looking for the easy way out.
I kind of don’t want to die unloved. i know I won’t. People will grieve and blame themselves. But I’m looking for a specific kind of love but I hate saying love so I’ll say mutual agreement.
I got one of those dating apps a few weeks ago. It was addicting, tiring, swiping, distracting, absolutely soul-crushing. Once you get past the undesirables, you’ll see people you’re attracted to. It’s not-validation can only last so long before it crumbles under the weight of your shame.
Today, one of the boys that I thought was really really cute messaged me back. I messaged him a long time ago, when I was new, before I realized that I really shouldn’t be the one saying hi when they were clearly eager to do so.
I told him I liked his hair and then asked if he watched anime because his user-name was nerdy. He does by the way and told me hE likED My BodY
but that made me feel terrible, because it’s my fault the picture is far more scandalized than it should be, and then I wondered if I was cat-fishing because no one, no guy could possibly like my body.
and the guys that do are just settling, it’s not what they really want.