Wednesday June 13th

I did all my exercise today- walked 5.4 miles and the other stuff. I didn’t do much else. I did finally clean my room and bathroom. I spent most of the day watching Friday Night Lights. I know. It’s obvious and pathetic of me, but it’s a way to feel connected to him. I texted him earlier today, but only one conversation all day. I am going to try to limit myself to that in the hopes that maybe he will text me first at some point. I don’t understand why he won’t- maybe he thinks I’m busy. He sure didn’t worry about that back when he was texting me all day long every day from 8am to 10pm. I have no choice other than patience. Patience or giving up. I wish I knew what he was thinking about me. No way to know. He did text me and send me pics when I went for 4 days without contacting him- he and I did seem to have a nice talk that day when he said he has always handled everything alone and that’s all he knows and I just had to let him do what he knows. I said I missed him and he said that goes both ways, so that’s something, too. If I knew he intended for us to pick back up where we left off when he got better, even though that is 8 months from now, at least I would know his intentions. Right now, I don’t have a clue. He called me “my friend” at one point this week , which I didn’t’ like. What happened to “baby girl”? I swear to god, if this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’ll do. I could not be any more sick of being alone than I am right now. I want to be settled with someone- with him. I’m tired of wondering and wishing and hoping. I’m tired of all of it. I really, really thought I was about to reap my reward for being alone for 11 years and patiently waiting for the right man. I really thought my dreams had come true. I got to believe that and feel that for a couple of weeks. That was great. Ha. I’ve had two good weeks in the last 11 years. I’m a good girl. I’m smart, I take care of myself, I have a good job, I’m a hard worker, I’m a kind and giving person. So why is life always shitting on me? Why do assholes and cheaters and liars get to have happy lives and I am in misery? It’s so unfair. I really am a good person. I believe that. Why can I not have a relationship work out? 

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