I did all my exercise today- walked 5.4 miles and the other stuff. I didn’t do much else. I did finally clean my room and bathroom. I spent most of the day watching Friday Night Lights. I know. It’s obvious and pathetic of me, but it’s a way to feel connected to him. I texted him earlier today, but only one conversation all day. I am going to try to limit myself to that in the hopes that maybe he will text me first at some point. I don’t understand why he won’t- maybe he thinks I’m busy. He sure didn’t worry about that back when he was texting me all day long every day from 8am to 10pm. I have no choice other than patience. Patience or giving up. I wish I knew what he was thinking about me. No way to know. He did text me and send me pics when I went for 4 days without contacting him- he and I did seem to have a nice talk that day when he said he has always handled everything alone and that’s all he knows and I just had to let him do what he knows. I said I missed him and he said that goes both ways, so that’s something, too. If I knew he intended for us to pick back up where we left off when he got better, even though that is 8 months from now, at least I would know his intentions. Right now, I don’t have a clue. He called me “my friend” at one point this week , which I didn’t’ like. What happened to “baby girl”? I swear to god, if this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’ll do. I could not be any more sick of being alone than I am right now. I want to be settled with someone- with him. I’m tired of wondering and wishing and hoping. I’m tired of all of it. I really, really thought I was about to reap my reward for being alone for 11 years and patiently waiting for the right man. I really thought my dreams had come true. I got to believe that and feel that for a couple of weeks. That was great. Ha. I’ve had two good weeks in the last 11 years. I’m a good girl. I’m smart, I take care of myself, I have a good job, I’m a hard worker, I’m a kind and giving person. So why is life always shitting on me? Why do assholes and cheaters and liars get to have happy lives and I am in misery? It’s so unfair. I really am a good person. I believe that. Why can I not have a relationship work out?
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."