This is a place that I use to clear my head of thoughts. Some read it, some don’t. Some read the past and think that I’m horrible because I use this to clear my head of things. Some have even passed it along so that it can be used to stir things up. I feel sad for those people. That they have nothing better to do with their lives or need that kind of validation in their lives that they made a public spectacle of something that’s supposed to help. It’s regrettable, but I know that some people absolutely need that kind of validation in their lives or that validation from another to feel better about themselves. I’ve had to work through quite a bit on my own. I don’t have the money for therapy nor the insurance for it either. When I can afford it, then I try my best and have done well with it. Though for my own sake this is what I use. Why make it public? Because most that read this don’t even know who I am. Those that do know me, should be friend enough to not use this and betray me. There will always be some though. What’s even more ironic is those same people are not ones in my day to day life. They have no idea what I’m doing or going through, yet they seem to think that by using a journal that they can get from point A to point B and fill in the blanks that is normally there with their assumptions.
Perhaps I’ll shed some light on things. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me and maybe somewhere in that path I’ll figure something out. Let me explain my isolation and my alone state first. I don’t have the same joy as others. I don’t have someone that when I come home from work, be it a really awesome day or a rather shitty one, to talk to about it. I don’t share with friends about anything because the last time that I had done that I lost friends. They turned their backs on me, went to the very person who abused me, was on a smear campaign about how horrible I was to him and he was such a victim. They told him everything that I had confided in them thinking they were friends. When I learned of this, I was hurt. I was angry. Even nearly a year and a half later, someone I thought was a friend betrayed my trust. I’ve mentioned that before though. So, I don’t go out of my way to tell anyone anything. I don’t share. I was taught that it was bad. It’s strange, these same people always disappeared during the hardest times of my life and popped back up when it seemed I was “better”. Usually that was because I buried it like I do everything else. What made it so ironic was what upset them was that I repeating things I have been told my whole my life. Many that have stood where I have, being told they’re never going to be good enough. They’re never going to amount to anything. That they are just rotten monsters that will destroy everything they touch, have eventually ended their pain. I won’t lie and say that I haven’t tried in the past. But as with all things, I messed that up too. I even let my abuser convince me to try and drink myself to death. I nearly succeeded then, until I woke up. When I repeat the things that have been said to me over and over from my mother to present, people don’t like hearing that. They’ll further point out telling me I’m wrong. And perpetuate it further by pointing out my wrongs and sins even further. This is their idea of support. I will walk through the last two weeks now that there’s a basis for understanding.
It wasn’t long ago that my abuser was allowed back in my life. It was sudden and I was not prepared for it. Anxiety attack ensues. It was made worse by those that I thought were friends hiding things, talking behind my back, and filling him with half-truths. All the while I was seeing him being upset about his lady leaving him. She wasn’t giving him any money was the next complaint. Well, he mentioned something about our lives together. Privately I told him that I didn’t appreciate that. It wasn’t warranted. He started a useless argument instead of doing what a normal human would do. “I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me. I won’t do it again.” No, I got a useless argument of why he felt it was okay. I left it alone. I knew then though that he would never respect me or my boundaries. He hadn’t changed one iota. Instead of getting angry, I chose to dismiss it. I shouldn’t have, but I did. Right after that a gentleman that I had been speaking to got rather upset with me for looking at my phone while we were visiting. He stood and backhanded me across the jaw. I was shocked as he screamed at me and then left. The next day he got a hold of me and told me things wouldn’t go any further. I was too much trouble for him. Of course, my friends jumped on me about I didn’t deserve that and was angry with him because of what he had done. I respect their thoughts on it. For me though, I felt it was truly deserved and reminded me that that kind of man was my fate in life. I feel that it was justly done and karma. After slapping my ex when I was overly emotional which ended in him ending the relationship and proclaiming that I wasn’t remorseful enough and just like my ex-husband, I felt what had been done was exactly what I deserved. I was certain he felt the same way too. Of course, my friends argued with me, but the truth is, what made what that gentleman did any different than what I had done? There wasn’t any. Was it simply because I was a female? I felt I justly deserved it and so much more because of what I had done. I did learn that the one I had done that too also agreed that it was less than I truly deserved.
At the same time this was all going on, some people that I share a hobby with was trying to make things right between my abuser and myself. Though the problem was there was an awful lot of two faced dealings going on. I’m not the kind of person that likes go betweens. I’m a horse’s mouth kind of person. So, it wasn’t wise, but I addressed my abuser. The reason also for this was because once more he had an issue with my personal boundaries and once more did something I had asked him not to. In that case, instead of a pointless argument, I left it alone and went to work. I addressed it later that night with an email. Rather calm email about how I felt. I said quite a bit. Also, choosing to respect him enough not to comment openly about his current situation, though I could provide some insight. He wasn’t happy with that either. Once more a useless argument ensued. I remained calm and he got angry. I wasn’t responding to what he wanted and I wasn’t being bullied into it either. Finally, he said that we were strangers. I ended the conversation with strangers don’t have history. Toodles. Later that night after work (as I was dealing with that and the guy who backhanded me as well as trying to work) and after some deep conversations with a couple of close friends/family members, I quietly removed myself from that situation. I have completely removed myself from that hobby into a different hobby where I’m happier and enjoy myself more. I didn’t raise a fuss but instead chose that it wasn’t for me. I am also of the hope that it will keep the harassment down for those few friends I have that still enjoy that hobby. I’m sure my abuser is quite happy with himself and is bragging endlessly about removing me. As long as it makes him happy really.
I was rather proud of how well I handled myself this past Sunday. All things considered I realized that I have truly overcome my anger as an emotion. I refused to be bullied into things that in the past I would just let go of. I remained calm and stood my ground. I’m also going through some changes and perhaps it is closing me off more from people, perhaps it’s for the best. I do fear losing more friends because of things I feel. I fear if I open up that once more I’ll lose people that I care about. In that by doing things this way, they have the choice to know how I feel or not. If they don’t, then I hope that they don’t mind when I stop caring about how they feel.
While my abuser has been through three failed relationships to date, I have not been with anyone. He would try to tell you differently. I have tried my hand at dating and remain single because apparently, the breed that I am no longer exists. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe in instant connection. For me, it takes being friends first. It means building something. It means the day to day things. It means having that connection that is different from others. Feeling safe that I can tell them anything and not be judged for it or because it’s hard they’ll walk away. I get insulted by messages like “hi beautiful” or “hey there sexy” or anything like that. It’s superficial and has no thought to it whatsoever. There was a time that I didn’t care about who I had sex with. It was just sex. My abuser changed my outlook on myself. He made me feel ugly. He made me feel stupid. Things I had fought my whole life not to hear in my head any more. He just became another voice along with the others from my past. He’s a narcissist. He will never feel responsible for the damage he’s done to not only me, but others along his road as well. He will never apologize for anything. He will forever think himself the victim of everyone else. I have spent the last nearly 2 years putting myself back together from what he did while even now he’s looking for the next one to take the place of the last one. Even now I’m still going through changes. Will I ever like myself? Not likely. Too many years of hearing all the bad, every wrong I’ve done, every sin I’ve ever done or not done for people for me to ever get to that point. I won’t end my life as I’ve learned that many do when they are where I’m at. I should, but I won’t. My abuser, his flying monkeys, and too many people would see that as their final revenge and enjoy it far too much. Instead I just keep going, remaining silent, staying in the shadows and enjoying the few joys in my life that I have. That even though I have been destroyed, I’m still trying to crawl out of the dark. I don’t think I ever will fully, as there will always be someone there to push me back down into it, but I still keep going.