Tonight, I went to my cousin’s high school graduation. I’m so proud of her. She’s become such a beautiful and kind young woman and I know she’s destined to do great things. As I sat there during the graduation, looking at the 102 kids who were about to graduate, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of future adults that I was looking at. I’m sure that there were some kids there who will go on to accomplish great things in life; just like I am equally sure that there were some who will become nothing but huge pieces of shit their entire life and contribute nothing to society. There’s that optimism! I also wondered who there would end up being just like me…a 32 year old man who’s life seems to be a really dark and twisted Punk’d episode.
Of course, I had to sit there and listen to all of these inspirational speeches that included things like “you can do anything you set your mind to,” or any other annoying cliche lines used in every graduation speech, ever. Then an English teacher came to the podium and said one of the truest statements that I may have ever heard: “Life always gives the test before the lesson.” This really struck a chord with me. What I feel that I am going through has to be one of the hardest tests that I will ever deal with. Here I am a 32 year old divorced, single father who’s now ex wife was and still currently is dating my former best friend. It still fucks with me every time I hear myself say that. My question is: what lesson am I learning from this?
Frankly, all it has done is make me rethink what I knew about marriage, relationships, friendships, loyalty, trust, etc. It makes me wonder if you can ever truly trust anyone. Are friendships even worth my time? And relationships? Pshhh how could I ever trust anyone enough again to let them even get close to me? I’d rather go the rest of my life alone then to ever feel like this again. The only problem I see there is potentially missing out on meeting some really great people. I really do hate sounding so negative all the time, but negative is all I basically can feel at this point.
In a completely contradictory thought for me, another piece of advice that was given was to “surround yourself with interesting people.” I actually really liked this idea too. I have met some really amazing people over this last year, all of which I hope to see our relationships grow. There have been many people who have heard my depressing story, but only a few who have truly kept up with me to see how I am doing. Those few people are the people that I want in my life. I want to be around people who make me smile. I don’t smile as much as I used to, so when I’m around them, it helps me. I want to be around people who can help me grow into a better man. When I really think about it, I really am thankful for the small group of people who have helped me the most during this time of my life. They’re rock stars.