Same Sad Song

6 months later I’ve gained back 2 pants sizes.  I was on the verge of size 0 but now I am back up to a size 9.  It’s so disappointing after all that work.  At least I know I can do it.

And then all that positive attitude bullshit?  Yeah was just all bullshit.  Things seem to have gotten worse as far as my outlook.  And my temperament.  It’s horrible I can’t control myself.  I think I’m finally menopause d.  Meaning I’m not suppose to get any more periods let’s see what happens. 

I failed.

I thought about swallowing a bunch of sleeping capsules tonight.  I looked at the bottle.  I poured them all out into the palm of my hand.  I have a giant mug of water.  I look up on google if this would work.  I only have 96 capsules, 50 mg each.  This method would cause my body to seizure, and basically put my heart at cardiac arrest.  Is that math right 96 x 50 = 4800 mg?  I don’t want pain when I die.

WTF I chickened out anyway.  What does it matter?  That makes a total of 6 suicide attempts in my life.  I’m actually an old person, so I have no excuse why I still feel this way about myself and life.  I can’t say I’m a teenager with raging hormones or an adolescent breaking into adulthood.  Can I say I’m transitioning to an old person and trying to deal with the tragedies of my past?  boo hoo

Last year and this year.  Junk.  Depressing.  Non productive.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  I think I have a plan but I’m not sure if it will work or if it will pull through?  We keep falling.  Everyday after day after day we argue. 

Life was lucky for me growing up.  It wasn’t perfect but I look back and see that I was charmed and really lucky.  Now that I’m older things are unlucky.  I have also soured unfortunately.

Let me elaborate because I feel like writing.

I used to be Miss Goody 2 Shoes.  Miss Innocent Naive.  I was lucky things fell into place and that something protected me from a lot of harm.  Strange what happened to me?  I could never do “bad” things that were wrong.  Not with conscious.  Now I’m older, I’ve been yelled and spat at.  I’ve tarnished.  I’ve hardened.  No longer do I always “do what is right”.  A little bad now resides in me.  I don’t quite understand it.  How did I go backwards?

I’ve been looking at myself and you know, I’m not as ugly and unattractive as I thought.  I’m actually kind of attractive with smooth skin.  I want to look at myself and not feel ugly.  Not feel fat.  Not feel worthless.  Not feel like a nothing.

I used to try to hard to help out.  To the end of last year I was still in that fucked up frame of mind.  Today I don’t give a flying flip.  Well not to the extreme but just a touch.  A dabble.  A pat.  Do I feel bad?  To be honest?  Maybe a little if I really think about it otherwise I’m not thinking about it.

I want to scream.

I want to die.

I want to give my life to someone else that deserves the gift of life.  I feel like a waste and that I am not worth taking up space.  I feel tears stinging my eyes.  Fuck.

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