That’s how I feel today……UNWANTED.  I haven’t talked to my boyfriend since yesterday and it’s killing me but I need to give him space to think about what he wants. This time last week I was on top of the world….same with this time last year. How can so much change is so little time. We talked about our future all the time growing old together, he called me his wife even though we wasn’t close to getting married yet. Now he doesn’t know if he’s in love with me anymore if there even is an us. I understand no relationship is perfect, everyone has rough patches, and I’m praying that this just another test to our love. But I’ve made some decisions just in case. 1) I will never date again. I will never share my life with anyone else again. 2) I will never let another man get close to my kids, be a father figure to them. 3) I will cut off all contact with his friends, sorry but I have too it will be to painful. 4) I will lose my extra weight by any means necessary, healthy or not. 5) I will make myself as unattractive as I can, I don’t want anyone to ever look at me again in that way. 6) I will probably stop going to therapy, no sense in it. 7) I will only live my life for my kids and them alone. 8) I will conquer my fears for myself, no one else. 

My only contact with anyone is through my computer unless its for my kids. I’m done trying to be happy just to be disappointed over and over again. Facebook is become my nightmare all I see is people being happy, getting married, having babies, going on vacations, getting a house, getting a job promotion, etc…. I realize that will never be me without my other half, my heart will never love again. I’m putting up as many walls as I can and shutting everyone out, it’s too painful not too. I had the best man in this world and if he doesn’t want me then no one else does. I’ve even considered turning my kids over to my parents or my ex and dropping off the face of the earth, everyone will be better off if I wasn’t around anyways all I cause is pain and heartbreak. IM SORRY IM SO WORTHLESS!!!!!! 


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