Rethinking

First and foremost I’m sorry for my last journal entry I was coming from a very very dark place. That was a horrible day for me, had a ton of tension at home on top of problems in my relationship. Well, my boyfriend ended our relationship a couple days ago, I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t devasted cause I am very much so. He did give me hope though that maybe we can get back together he just needs time, to figure out what he wants. He believes we are two completely different people and in a sense we are, he’s very outgoing and I’m more reserved (homebody). I don’t understand why it’s a problem for him now because we were always polar opposites from the moment we started dating 2 years ago. It’s hard for me to come out of my shell and let people see my goofy fun side, I’m always afraid they will judge me. It’s something I been trying to overcome and I thought I was doing well the majority of the time. Since he ended our relationship I have been thinking more about it and I wasn’t doing as well as I thought. I also figured out some of my triggers to my anxiety and I realized every since my dog passed last year, my anxiety has gotten worse. She was my emotional support through a lot of the years and having her die in my arms changed me. I honestly haven’t dealt with her death, I feel guilty for not being able to save her. There wasn’t much I could do though she got sick and within hours she was gone. As I continued my thinking and soul-searching I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t 100% honest with my boyfriend, I hid things to try to keep everyone happy and peaceful. As I said before there is a lot of tension in our house mainly because we live with my parents, and things have to be their way especially my mother. She loves to make me feel guilty for wanting to go out with my boyfriend, she’ll say things like ‘You don’t care about your kids all you wanna do is go out’. Mind you my daughters are teenagers and my son is almost a teenager, so they’re more than able to take care of themselves. Plus the majority of the time I go out they are already in bed or at the dad’s, so why should be ashamed of going out. And because of that, I have a hard time having a could time cause all I can think about if I’m being a bad mother, so I drink a lot more than I should. It doesn’t stop there even when he went out on his own, she would bitch about it but only to me never to him. She’ll ask questions such as ‘How do you know he’s where he says he is and with who he says’, the answer is simple…I trust him. But she would never let it go and it would get my anxiety working in overdrive, thinking of everything my exes did to me. Then next thing I know if I couldn’t control it him and I would end up in an argument. These are the things I kept from him, I know I shouldn’t have but I didn’t want more problems, ya know. By me, overlooking these issues it caused bigger problems between him and me which lead to our break. I finally came clean to him today about everything, which I should’ve before he had the right to know. Will it change anything with us…who knows…only time will tell. And no I didn’t tell him to guilt him into getting back with me I just wanted everything in the open. I still pray for him as I always have and always will, I know he loves me and he knows I love him, I’m putting my faith in God. I believe with all heart we will get through this and work everything out. He is the love of my life…my one and only. 

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