First Date

After just getting out of a relationship not even a full four days ago, you must wonder how I’m already going on a first date with someone else? Well, I move on extremely quickly. In fact I didn’t even cry over this one. We started seeing each other in March I believe. It wasn’t even a true relationship, there were barely any “I love yous”, he wasn’t overly affectionate in public, to be honest it felt suffocating, like I was suddenly back in the closet. I mean the sex life was amazing. Finding someone who was just as weird and kinky as me, who shared a fetish with me, it was all so unreal. So I became very attached. Anyway, he broke up with me a couple days ago. One of our friends, an ex friend with benefits of mine, planted a seed in his mind that we didn’t take each other seriously in our relationship. Which was completely true, but why tell him anything? He sped up the deterioration of our relationship and now I can’t suck his dick or smell his feet anymore. Great.

My new boyfriend. Well, we started dating today. Either yesterday or the day before he had asked to take me to dinner and a movie. At first I wasn’t for it. He’d been liking me since we met in September. He was the son of my coworker. He was 17 at the time, I was 19. He’s 18 and I’m 20 now. He didn’t really improve in looks, but he definitely seems older to me for some reason. So I accepted his invitation. Today we went see a movie and ate at a chicken restaurant. And he paid for all of it. Some would feel bad for this but honestly I don’t. I do have a wallet full of money but he did offer so I let him pay for our food and a movie ticket for me. 

I had a lot of fun today. He’s a really cool guy to be around. It’s just weird…I’m not sexually attracted to him. Usually that’s a deal breaker for any relationship. If I’m not sexually attracted to him…if the thought of him can’t make me hard in my own bedroom, then it probably isn’t wise to get with him. But I will. I want someone to cuddle and to kiss, to fill the void. He makes me feel good, like I’m a king and I matter. It’s a feeling I rarely get. Guys usually please me sexually but are usually douche bags. This guy’s…the opposite. Total gentleman, not so sure if I’d ever actually want to do sexual things with him. I probably will, but I don’t think I’ll like it. Unlike most gays, a dick doesn’t really turn me on as much as a face does. So I’m at least hoping *down there* is appealing enough to get me going. We kissed and that was alright, nothing too special but I didn’t hate it. And I rather enjoyed cuddling him and feeling his body heat.

When we ate at Cane’s, I saw a friend of mine from the mall. Cute emo little shit. No, he’s not just cute, he’s fucking hot. Yeah, I just started dating someone but the moment I saw this boy sitting at the table across from us with his girlfriend, let’s just say I was no longer thinking of the date I was on, but was then thinking about going under that table and servicing the cute emo boy. Gods, what a hottie.

~

So yeah this was my first journal entry. It’s currently 2:10 A.M. on the eighth of July as I type this sentence. These entries are thoughts I can’t share with anyone I know, nor any internet friend I might make. People would judge me. Yes, I’m not the best person. I have my faults. For instance I constantly think of every cute guy I know even though I’m technically “with” someone. I can’t help it, I’m a fucking human! Should I just reach into my brain and rip out the “cutie-detector”!? It’s impossible. So here I decided to express my thoughts…and possibly actions depending on if I ever do anything I may or may not regret. 

I’ve just decided to live my life how I want it. I’m happy in the moment so I’ll be dating this new boy. Anything can happen though. I will try to update this as often as I can. If my life’s too boring I’ll just post about an experience of mine, or post a confession or something. This journal is the realest me the world will ever fucking see.

~Ezra

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