I have a boyfriend and I’m happy. We have fun together, we laugh a lot, getting to cuddle with him and hold his hand and feel his body heat isn’t terrible. But I don’t think I’m sexually attracted to him. He’s black but that’s a non-issue. Just the way he looks…I don’t know. He’s not “sexy”. I can’t imagine his face as I’m on the toilet, get a hard on, and jerk to the thought of doing things with him. This is going to make maintaining a relationship with him difficult. Meanwhile I still have all these sexual fantasies of a past ex, as well as any cute guy I know or any hot stranger I’d like to know.
Most people would disagree with me but to me, a relationship is mostly about sex. Yes, romantic attraction is a big part of a relationship, but if you can’t even get hard to the thought of your partner, what’s the point? What if when we end up initiating in sexual activities, I can’t get it up? What if I’m repulsed? You see my problem. With my first boyfriend ever, I cheated on him. When I was with him, I had to think of the boy I cheated on him with in order to get off and cum in his mouth. This is a serious issue for me. I’d rather not cheat. At this moment in time I still don’t think I’ll end up cheating on him. He’s a sweet guy. I don’t think I could hurt him.
I’m a huge flirt. I love to heart my crushes’ posts. I have snap streaks with a few guys I know that are only on my list because I want to see their cute faces. I don’t get the same feeling looking at my boyfriend as I do with these other guys. He makes me smile, but he doesn’t arouse me.
I hope this changes.
Yesterday we hung out for most of the day. Me, him, his bestie, and her boyfriend(?). Not gonna lie, I absolutely love posting pictures of the two of us. Recognition from others is the best feeling in the world to me. I love that people know I’m with someone. I’m enjoying flaunting him all over social media. Yes, I’m self-centered and conceited. But what’s the harm in a few…dozen photos?
I’m kind of using him in a way. He’s like…a sugar daddy. He’s offered to pay for my next tattoo. Him and his two friends are planning on getting an apartment next month or so, and I fully intend on staying with him just so I can leave my dad’s place. It’s a hell hole here, I can’t stand it. An alcoholic father, a pesky bedbug problem only in my bedroom (Thanks a lot, ex roommate! You dick. You sexy, sexy dick.) I need out. My boyfriend is my way out.
Reading over this, I sound like such a terrible person. A user. Do I care? Yeah, but what can you do? I’m not changing if I’m still managing to enjoy life. Might as well spend life the way I want to.
edit: Also, why am I up at nearly seven in the fucking morning? I didn’t sleep last night. Too busy jerking off to a sexual FanFiction I’m writing, plus tons of binge watching Riverdale. Having a great time, I’m still at it!