17 days later

Ok it has been 17 days since I cheated. I have talked to Steve about what happened. He says he is not mad at me. That he is working on forgiving me. I told him that I want to work it out. That I think what we have is worth fighting for. He says he believes me that I will never do this again. He also says he doesn’t know how he can trust that this will never happen again. I don’t know what to do. I love him. He says he knows I love him. I have been having a hard time lately. 

This has been a really hard week for me. On top of all the stuff going on with Steve…Tim has been…Tim. He is upset because I am giving Tamya the option of where she wants to spend her time. I made a mistake and forgot to call or text him to let him know she wanted to stay with me Sunday night. Monday morning he showed up and informed me that he hates me. Typical of Tim after being a total jerk he tells me he doesn’t hate me. That he is just hurt. Like an apology excuses the way he talked to me. So since Monday we have been a little at war. I just don’t have the fight in me. It would be one thing if we were at war over kids. We are at war over being “friends”.  I know it sounds awful but I don’t know that I care enough to fight right now. Tim has no idea what is going on with me and Steve. I will probably never tell him. Could you imagine that conversation. He would throw in my face how I am worse then him because I slept with someone else. That he only talked and sent photos. 

I feel a little guilty forgiving myself so soon. I don’t think it’s far that after only 17 days I am starting to forgive myself. I am not justifying my actions, but I do realize that this was not an affair. I wasn’t talking to Bryan for months. I didn’t tell him I love him. I spent one night having my emotional needs met, and that lead sex. I understand that it was wrong. I know that if I had just talked to Steve about what I was going through he would have stayed up with me all night and tried to fix it. He would have fought for me. That is all looking back though. That is all based on what I know now. I have had more of him on an emotional level the last 2 weeks then he has let me in the last 6 months. 

He wants to see what is out there. I don’t. I know what is out there. I know that if I put myself out there I will find someone I am compatible with. That is not the hard part. I can be compatible with 100 people, but falling in love with someone is not something you can just find. I have been in love with a few people. The first was Marcum…but I knew it would never work. I don’t want the same things in life as him. I still love things about him, but he was a first love. They are a strong love, but burn bright and hot then fade into a wonderful memory. Then there was Cy. I could have married him, but he never loved me. He couldn’t have raped me if he loved me. Looking back it was a great first serious relationship. I have a lot of good memories and those are the ones I am trying to hold on to. Then Tim. I loved Tim enough to put up with years of emotional abuse. I will never want to be with Tim again. I love that he cares about the kids. I love that he took Tamya in and made her his. I wish nothing but happiness for him. Just not with me. Not ever again. 

Wow this has just been a brain dump post. 17 days and a lifetime of guilt and worry. I have been reading daily devotionals. I have only been doing it for a couple of days, but I think it’s helping. I never stopped believing in God. I have just been rebelling against religion for 15 ish years. I use to be a requirement. Church was not something enjoyable. It was a chore. I use to watch Ron (my bio-dad) go to church because Maria (step-mom) would make him. We would all have to go. I would do everything I could to go to Sunday school because at least there was something to do other then listen to someone preach at me. When I was old enough I just refused to go. I realized they couldn’t make me go.

I don’t feel like I have to rebel anymore. I don’t know what my relationship with God will be, but I am a little excited to find out. I feel a little silly “finding god” in my 30’s. I haven’t found him, but I am looking to see if he is there. I am impressed with the fact that this book has been speaking to my feelings so far. For right now I am done dumping my brain on “paper”. I might write more later.

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