Alone

I keep trying to tell myself it will all work out. It’s only been a couple weeks. I just want to stop hurting. I can’t talk to anyone about it. Every time I try I just make things worse. I want to talk to Steve…he is the only one who actually talks to me. I just feel like a broken record. I don’t know if I’ll forgive myself unless I can get him back. To know that he knows I am being honest. That I love him. I guess I know why it happened and that it will never happen again. I just don’t think he believes me. That will take time, but I honestly thinking space is not what we need. I am sure I’ve lost him. I am alone. I am broken. I don’t want to put myself out there again. I know what I want, and he doesn’t want me back.

3 thoughts on “Alone”

  1. I have read a few of your entries, and from them I have gathered that you are feeling a sense of loss. I am probably not the best to offer you comfort, but I can offer you some knowledge.
    I, like you, have the same views on faithfulness to a partner. With that comes trust and communication. This is the key to a healthy relationship. It seems that Steve is going through a difficult time in his life. And as much as he wants to move on from his past, he is having a hard time letting go. This is preventing him from being open and communicating with you. It is most certainly not you.
    What you did was a during a time of desperation for comfort. We ALL go through some sort of period like this in our lives. But trust me when I say that God will lead you down the path meant for you.
    I will not sit here and tell you that I am a Bible thumper by any means. But I do know and love God, and like you, I went down the path of finding him during a rough time.
    I cheated too. I am not proud of it, and wish I could take it back. But I have learned to forgive myself. I was in a delicate state. My mom had just past from cancer, and trying to communicate with my husband at the time was like talking to a brick wall. After begging him for marriage counseling and his refusal to engage, I decided that I would never be happy with him they way I needed to be. Time and Time again, I tried to talk with him. But he never gave me the time of day. He only offered to me that I was wrong about how I felt, and that there were no issues with our marriage.
    When I attended a weekend manager conference for work, I drowned myself in alcohol. It seemed to be the only thing that could numb me. A fellow manager of the company befriended me, and in my weak state, I found him the next morning in my hotel room……I hated myself.
    I took this as a sign that, as much as it hurt me, the love between my husband and I was gone.
    I asked him for a divorce.
    It was a dark time for me. I hated that I was about to divorce the man I devoted my life to in front of God and our family and friends. But I knew it had to happen if I was to ever find happiness.
    I found God during this time. The light filled me the night I sat in my bedroom, pouring my eyes out to him. A flood of love overwhelmed me, and I knew that I was walking the path he had set for me.
    Sortly after I left my husband, I met the father of my children and am proud to call him my husband now. He could have come at a later time in my opinion, but God had other plans…he IS my soulmate.
    I write all of this, not to say, “look at me and my life”, but to offer you some sort of comfort. It is in our nature to find a companion. To share a life with someone we love. But that person comes to us when God brings them into our lives.
    Maybe you and Steve are meant to be together. Maybe this is just a bump in the road for you two. But maybe God wants you to learn from this. A lesson about yourself and how important communication is to you while in a relationship. If communication between you and Steve wasn’t so vague…I couldn’t see you being in a vulnerable state, to where comfort from another would have been accepted.
    Learn from this. Use it as wisdom as you move forward.
    I hope for nothing but the best for you my dear. God Bless you.

  2. I too have struggled with the ups and downs of love, but I want you to remember that everything happens for a reason. My own love life has left me depressed and broken with a void that I can’t seem to fill, but the quote “everything happens for a reason” has really helped me get through this. Maybe this is for the better, maybe you’ll find someone better than Steve. I know he may be your whole entire world, but there is someone better out there. And if it’s meant to be, you and Steve will find your ways back to each other. But don’t have too much hope for that, because it could break you even more. Just focus on you and decide what you truly want before going into another relationship. I don’t really have the best advice, but I thought that at least me attempting to help you will somewhat help me as well. I have realized that I need to take my own advice. I hope you find peace in this heartache.

  3. Thank you for your words. I have been struggling lately. I never imagined anyone would read what I was posting. I really just using this site as a way to put down in writing all the thoughts and worries I have. Thank you again. I hope you both have nothing but light and love in your life.

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