House Of Shame

Just come back from the Heath Hospital where Harry was treated. Six weeks after a death, the consultants involved in the person’s treatment invite you to a meeting that happens anyway even I you decide to go or not but they invite the next of kin, obviously. I decided I would go and sent a couple of e-mails arranging a date and time. So went this morning with my mum as she’s been a lot more stable recently. I said to the consultant that I wasn’t here to complain about he was treated or questions anything that any of the medical staff did because I could see everyone did absolutely everything they could from start to finish; from the guy who answered my 999 call, to the paramedics, to the hospital doctors and nurses, it was all first class….but my only question for you doctor is…what the hell happened to my little boy, my little two year old?

I knew there wouldn’t really be a proper answer, a consultant warned me at the hospital of this meeting that there’s a good chance they still won’t have found the answers I’m hoping for. The consultant had Harry’s file which had the word deceased stamped on it in big, green lettering 🙁 she looked in it and was saying that his white blood cell count was rather high meaning he was obviously fighting what was most likely a viral infection rather than bacterial, as the white blood cell count wasn’t high enough for a bacterial infection and his other scans didn’t pick up signs of any bacterial infection…but still the cells that fight infection were still higher than normal which meant that Harry was certainly trying to fight something. But the consultant said the virus didn’t even have to be a nasty, deadly kind…they have seen children end up not breathing on the critical care ward after just having a cold…most children have viruses and are just a bit sick at home whilst the same virus, particularly in Harry’s age group, can cause others to be severely brain damaged on the critical care ward. She said some little children turn up to hospital with viral symptoms and die three hours later. In a child, any kind of virus could easily lead up to this devastation 🙁

When I asked about the febrile seizures (which was Harry’s official cause of death as written by the coroner)  she said that children don’t even have to have a high temperature for a febrile seizure to be set off…because how I understood it you had to have a pretty bad fever to start a febrile seizure but this consultant said that wasn’t true. She explained that people often vomit during a seizure but they are not aware of the whole thing, they just fall unconscious….so at least Harry didn’t suffer or feel any pain. Unfortunately the febrile seizure wasn’t witnessed and neither was the vomiting during the seizure and she said you can certainly die of an unwitnessed febrile seizure as seizures deprive the brain of oxygen plus vomiting too which deprives the brain even more if the vomit is in the way of the nose and mouth which for Harry at was. The combination of both severely depleted his brain of oxygen resulting in horrendous brain damage.

The consultant would look me in the eyes and say that I couldn’t have done anything different, this is a highly unusual occurrence but certainly not unheard of by the critical care unit and to not blame myself as that way of thinking is severely damaging to a person. Hmmm, really, I hadn’t noticed 🙁 Maybe since we were in the Heath Hospital I had a feeling they looked me up in their records and obviously the A&E department would have countless incidents of my dangerous self injury. I was pregnant with Harry by October 2014 and in the first three months of 2014 a nurse in the Heath who was doing my stitches for me at the time said I’d already had 30 admissions to them to have stitches, all of them ranging from at least 10-24 stitches. He wasn’t being mean, he was saying they were very concerned and that it was ok for me to go see them at the A&E before I cut myself to the point I needed several stitches. Anyway the consultant today was asking if I was having any help now as “you’ve had a lot of problems before haven’t you…” and I was thinking yeah fine, I know we are in the Heath hospital so clearly you guys know about me. No I am not having psychiatric help, or any help from my social worker or my CPN because they all discharged me as…I was doing so well with Harry 🙁 But yes I am accessing counselling and no I don’t know if it is helping because I have only had three sessions so far but the lady I see is extremely nice.

I think I’ve said enough about all this. I don’t care what anyone says; I had a chance to get Harry help in the night and I didn’t, I just moved him back to his bed and that’s where he had his seizure, vomited and died alone. I should never have moved him back to his bed. It was all my fault Harry died, there was certainly a point at 3:45am that morning that I could have said something like I originally thought I should…but I didn’t. I dumped Harry back in his bed to die.

I haven’t been doing much at all, just been hiding from the world as it’s the summer holidays at the moment so there are toddlers and children everywhere and it’s just so…unfair 🙁 I let my own beautiful, little hero die 🙁 thank goodness people black out when they have seizures…if I’d known he’d suffered horribly I definitely would have killed myself by now, no doubt about it. I wouldn’t be writing about all this now.

Things with Will are even stranger. I’ve gone from wondering why he wanted to have sex with me before to having had sex with him twice now. It’s completely messing with my head. We’re both just as bad as each other, I don’t think either of us know what we’re doing. Protection wise Will just stops at the last minute but I know that method isn’t safe at all. I’ll be ok though. Just don’t know why this is happening and I don’t think Will knows either. It does comfort me in a strange sort of way, being close to Will in this sexual way, and I think it does the same for him. I don’t know. We probably shouldn’t be acting this way but maybe we are because our heads are buggered…. And he’s the only other person who is feeling the loss of Harry just as badly as I am. Everybody else has lost a nephew, grandson, friend, cousin but me and Will are the only two that can say we’ve lost our child.

2 thoughts on “House Of Shame”

  1. I still maintain that it was NOT your fault, dear Rogue. It was not, not, not, not your fault, precious young mother. But I understand that you feel that way and your mind has gone over it and over it, and you still feel responsible. But you weren’t. Love and hugs to you, dear girl.

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