So I passed my 1 year anniversary, freedom from acting out. And I continue to work toward enlightenment. Some days I feel it, most in fact. But there are still events which can make me return to old ways of reacting with hurt or anger. We are, for instance, still being jerked around by State Farm while waiting for ruling on our car which has been in their possession now for over a month since the claim was opened. We have a lawyer, we have the complaint form to file with the state insurance commissioner, but we remain at the mercy of them to do their analysis as to whether water damaged the car or not.
Something my wife said to me yesterday has had me reeling ever since. We’ve been doing great, really really great. No fighting, no problems, happy generally happy. We play Pickleball all the time and are just addicted to this game and to the new fitness level we’ve achieved from so doing. Yesterday while speaking on the phone, she said that she can’t believe how addicted she is to this game, but that it’s a good kind of addiction. She then said she’s never been so addicted to anything since she used to drink and smoke. Then she said “but I’m addicted to you, and being addicted to someone is not a good thing.”
I was stung. In fact, it took a little while of processing it and then it stung more. These weren’t harsh words spoken during an argument; they were part of a happy normal conversation. The translation to me is that I thought we shared true love. In my silly way, I would have thought that she’d feel she is in love with me, or that I’m her soul-mate, or the love of her life. But all she could say of why she is with me is that she is addicted to me, just like she was to smoking and drinking and as she is now to this sport. And again, not just some knee-jerk reaction…. this came from her heart. It’s depressing to think that I fought so hard for reconciliation and finally was able to move back home and into our bed, only to find now that it’s not what she really wanted; it was something out of her control, that she feels powerless over.
I’m just her addiction.