I keep focusing on being outdoors thinking how much it makes me happy. Thinking I just need more of that. But it’s not true. I need more. I need somewhere to be me. To be something to someone other than a major responsible role. Not a mom or a partner. Just lighthearted. But heavy lifting when needed. I want movie nights and music time. I want history lessons and preparation work. Healthy living and a different quality time. Why are the lines so thin and fragile?? Why do people bend them at their will like my lines are theirs to manipulate. How is it ever possible to have that tunnel vision of your best self and best future and have it align enough up with another persons? I wish I could go fly out in the desert. Lift my arms up close my eyes and feel the wind on my face. And the power of me pushing through it splashing in mud puddles climbing hills roaming. God it hurts to know I am possible of being that joyful and happy and not being able to find it within myself or anywhere else. The natural smile from ear to ear as I look out at the mountains and desert. The feeling that made me scream FUCK YES out of my window as I first started seeing the canyons and valleys in the mountains. God it hurts.