Today is the day i went to have my admission exams in the university i have always dreamed of studying in, i made an english exam which was more than horrible!!! But then i made an IT exam which was really fun, i still have a personal exam in the 3rd of September. Normally i am not an awkward speaker in public places but i am really worried about not getting accepted in this university because of the screwed up english exam they put.
On top of that, i am in deep love with a married man. yes yes i know this makes me sound like a fucking bitch who has no respect whatsoever for other peoples lives. Keep in mind that my relationship with this man first started as a friendship then i found out that he isnt happy in his life and we got even closer throughout all our conversations i always ask about his wife and child and whenever he is too angry with her for a reason or another i always tell him that it isn’t worth it and that his child needs him and that he shouldn’t leave his wife. One day he even told me that he will be filling for divorce and that he cant live with her any longer and i was the reason he backed out of this. He is a very kind man but it isn’t easy to live with a person u have no tolerance whatsoever towards.
Or maybe this is just bullshit that i am feeding myself as an excuse for loving him… to make it sound okay or at least me that i am in love with a married man! The problem is that even if i assumed that one day he will leave his wife and ask to marry me my parents wont ever agree for many reasons… In conclusion i am in deep love with the forbidden fruit, i know it is wrong but there isn’t a single thing i can do about it, its all about the heart and what it wants.
I tried many time to cut of all the means of communications between us but for some reason we always wind up together again, it is truely fucked up but wth should i do? It feels like i am in a place in my life where i have no control over anything, not my studies, not my heart … NOTHING!