See if I still feel

Extreme pain.    How hurtful.  How wrong.  How unfair.   How could someone ever see ME when I can’t even be ME.  How could they. why can’t they listen.   Listen exactly to what I say.  Where my heart is.  What my truth is.  And why I have a hard time making that clear and why things that are fucked up in me mess Things up.  It hurts so bad.  I’m screaming on the inside.  I had one listener. Other than my therapist.  One listener to drop my guard to and scream out loud.   Be honest and unaffaid to tell my truth.          It was keeping my sanity.   Putting on a show.  Have I been heard at all??  I’m surrounded. My anxiety has skyrocketed making it worse but I am still surrounded in all directions still.   Not even an end in sight. Of course there’s a show.  When Im picturing my brains being blow all over because I can’t stop talking or thinking should I not hide every time I feel it?   When I’m angry and yelling how could you hurt me on the inside should I stop keeping it in every time and say it out loud? When I’m so panic stricken that I  watch my every move of every sec and everyday in a paranoid state should I let that show too.   What is wrong with me.  Why can’t any one see me.  Why are they turning me into their own version of me.  I don’t even want me I want nothing.  

One thought on “See if I still feel”

  1. *sigh* Anxiety is a terrible thing. I know … I suffer from it and it makes me completely fuck things up at times. I don’t really know good ways to deal with, other than find bright spots to concentrate on, and pleasant distractions. Oh … and trying to not always blame yourself for everything. That’s what I do at least … blame myself.
    In another blog entry you posted a couple of pictures of yourself. Now, not sure what happened, but apparently the system swapped some pictures instead of the ones you posted … because I see quite a lovely girl looking up at the camera. Now of course they ate the pictures you did post, and I’m completely not seeing who you think you see. Go easy on yourself, you are not the person you’re beating yourself down into.

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