Trying my hardest not to be laid up in bed. But I’m in so much pain. I just don’t want to stop moving. The end of the night was super shitty but some what releaving…. but was it all for nothing again?? Am I really being heard. And everything I’m being told is that honest??? Will it be ok. Because I’m scared. Super scared. I wish I could see the path ahead but instead I feel like I know the direction I want and need to go but can’t see the hidden land mines along the way. And I’m scared of the explosions. Why is it always this way. It’s not fair. Of course it’s not it’s life. And the sharp turns are the ones that take you in a different directon. I hope it’s finally the right one. Or just a good one. I’m being obliterated by two toddler turds. I wish I could soak in a warm bath outside on my cabin porch in the woods somewhere in fall. Being serenaded by the sounds of the forest. The birds sending sweet sounds across the tree tops… slight sound of a distant creek off in the woods… and the WIND running through the trees like water in a stream. Fuck. That is such an obtainable goal. Not easy but why does it have to be a fantasy?? I can’t wait for anyone to do anything for me. I have to get myself to the place I want to be and only be with others who end up near that place of mine. I don’t know what just happened but I just keep having broken spin round and round in my head. It was all wrong. From the very beginning. I can go back all I want and never get any answers from the past or even from looking to the future really. It’s all about the shit you do now and where it leads you. Hopefully it leads Me in the direction I’m hoping to go. I need to try my hardest to stop trying to jump ahead and figure out all my traumas. Is putting way to much on me. It’s been damping my child like spirit I love so much. I hope to god I’m not still this sick after surgery. What the fuck is going on with me and why can’t I get a clear answer from the doctors. What kind of a woman am I? God I feel so broken. That’s all. Thinking even after trauma therapy and other therapy and surgery and being as healthy as possible how could I not still be stained with all the shit I’m just ruined. On the inside and out. I know I don’t want to be wanted just for my body. It’s my soul I want someone to really see and accept and love. I guess I have to keep trying to do that myself.