[346.1] ~*Sat – 09/01/18*~

[7:03 pm]

Umm.. I don’t think the brakes were the problem on the car yesterday. The guy had said there was a weird oil on the wheel well and that he cleaned it off. That said, I realized that there was something weird on the car from the front to the back on the passenger side which was the side with the smell. Today I decided to go have a quick wash at the car wash to see and the black stuff isn’t coming off and I don’t want to really scrub and break the paint. I put my fingers under the car and it came back with not really an oil but something weird and smelly. I took the car home and tried to clean that off but couldn’t do much. I wonder if I take it somewhere if they could clean it up or it’s stuck there. I have no clue what I drove in but it’s only on the passenger side and it sorta have a smell to it and I am now believing that that was the smell I could sometime smell. If it’s an oil of some sort, I think that when the car heats it up, it’s what I would be smelling. So that said, I don’t think the brakes were really the problem but what ever got onto the car is. I just washed my hands but I can still smell it when I smell my fingers and I really believe it’s the smell I was smelling yesterday. Either way, the brakes needed to be done so that’s a plus but I would like to get rid of what ever is on my car as it left a bunch of black thick marks on it and I can’t really wash it off. I tried scraping with my nails and it’s not doing anything and I don’t want to go any further than that cause I don’t want to break the paint. It’s no biggy if it stays there but with my OCD, it’s gonna annoy the heck out of me. I would just like to know what the heck I drove in cause the guy at the dealership had no idea what it was. He said it was kinda like an oil but not like a car oil, more like a cooking oil. He couldn’t even say what it was and said it smelled bad. Like I’ve said, I smelled my fingers and I feel that it’s what I was smelling yesterday. Also, earlier I was driving the car and I felt like I could still smell it very faintly so it would make sense if it’s that substance cause it’s still on the car and who knows how far under it is as I could only reach the side when putting my hand under to try and wash it off. It’s just sorta weird that the guy at the dealership didn’t mention that being everywhere on the car, he just talked about the front wheel well and that he cleaned it off but it was obviously from the front to the back and I could tell there was some on the back wheel well as well but he only worked on the front. I’m just wondering if they can clean it off cause yea, my OCD is bugging me.

Talking about my OCD. Those spots on the driveway from what ever is on my car are driving me nuts. They are there and there’s nothing I can do about it and I mean, it’s outside so not like I’ll see it often but it’s bugging the crap out of me just cause I know it’s there. I had put water on it yesterday in hope that it would make them disappear but I knew it wouldn’t cause come on, it’s oil. This morning it’s the first thing I thought about when I got up. Arg! So of course it’s the first thing I was looking for when I got outside but that spot was still wet. I thought hub had done it so I wouldn’t look at it. I actually called him to see if he had done it but he said no so I guess it hadn’t dried from last night. Anyways, when I got back home, it was dry and there was the five spots. Arg! I parked the car beside them cause I wanted to try and clean off those black marks but that didn’t work out. Only good thing, those five spots are now wet again so I don’t see them. Haha! I even tried to scrub them just to see if they would go away but I know when it dries up, they will still be there. Blah! Having OCD is quite annoying cause things like that shouldn’t bother me like it does. Even those marks on the car, I’m sure hub will be like “meh!” when I tell him or show him and to me it’s like “OMG we need to get rid of those!!!”.

I’m trying to remain calm but it’s hard. Every lil thing makes me panic which I totally hate cause I know I panic for nothing as there is nothing that we can do or it’s something that will be fix in time. Even if I tell myself that many times, it doesn’t work. The brain works like it wants to work and even to that, sometime my brain knows I need to calm the fuck down but my body is feeling the stress. I keep taking deep breaths and telling myself it’s okay but the body feels like it wants to feel.

I just hope so very hard that we will enjoy our time at the campground. I’ve been saying it a lot but gosh do I ever need this vacation. I really don’t think I ever needed vacation like I do right now. One more day to go and I’m on vacation. Woohoo!

Okay, I need to stop. I am currently online looking for ways to clean those black marks. I need to leave it to the professional if ever I decide to have it clean cause I’m just gonna make myself go crazy. Why can’t I just forget about it?! Like, right now, I want to go wake up hub and show him. It’s ridiculous! He still has an hour to sleep but I just want to wake him up and show him the car. I know he won’t care about it so I don’t know why I have the urge to wake him up. I can’t wait the hour or so that I have to wait and by the time he’ll be up, it will be dark outside. It just drives me crazy. I need to keep my mind busy with something cause this is eating me. I try not to think about it but then of course, I start thinking about my car and wondering what will happen with it and about jobs. I NEED TO STOP THINKING BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!?!

To be honest, I just feel like going to bed right at this moment just so I can sleep and not freaking think. I really need to find a hobby where I can put all my focus into when I feel this way. I’m still trying to figure out what I could start doing that could also bring me some money. I was thinking about wreath but I don’t think much people would buy those cause I never see any doors with them. I am now thinking about centerpieces. I think people might go for those. It’s just to go out and buy the stuff and start. I don’t want to be spending all this money into it and be stuck with them either but there’s no way for me to know if it’s gonna sell or not if I don’t give it a try. I was almost tempted to put a post online, asking people if they would buy some if I’d make some but I don’t know if anyone would answer the post.

Anyways, I just feel like writing and writing right now. I’ve been wanting to start a second Journal but one where I would either write the life of a fictional character or write chapters to a book. I still want to write.

Gosh, I keep putting my hand to my face and I can smell that yucky smell but more I smell, more I am sure it’s what I was able to smell. It’s like I’ve said earlier, it was prob this substance being heated up and smelling. I’m just surprised the tech didn’t say anything about it but then again, the brakes already had a problem so they prob just wanted the money. I’m a bit raging right now cause maybe I didn’t really have to pay that $227 yesterday but then again, they had said the brakes needed work done when we last took the car in so it’s something that eventually needed to be done so it’s not wasted money.

See how I try to let go of something but then it just comes right back. If I would sit here and just write and write about what’s on my mind I would just be doing a back and forth of everything and I’m sure I’d just go and go until I fall asleep cause I can just keep on writing.

On another note, I went to see Kin which was an okay movie. Not something I would necessary watch again. I slept in and had a real hard time getting out of bed. I wanted to get out early enough to go to the library as I had some books there that needed to be picked up and it’s closed on Mon so I had to go today. I snoozed but I managed to get myself out with enough time to make it to the library.

I think that’s pretty much it for now but I’m sure more will come soon enough. Time to go pay the bills and cry a bit as my hard earned money is going away.


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