Thunder

Our love is like thunder, 

Loud and untamed, 

A warning of the storm yet to come. 

We met again, one last time. You came over in a white T-Shirt with board shorts and sneakers. When I saw you in the hallway, my heart smiled. I wanted to tell you how much I’ve missed you and how much I wished you could stay. I forgot to buy wine, but truth be told we didn’t need anything to keep the conversation going. It was always easy with you.

Your 30th birthday had just passed, a month before I saw this fitbit watch and knew you’d love it. You gave me kisses and a hug, and I will never forget the stupid grin on your face. We talked for hours. You told me about your the troubles you have at work and I asked about all the goals you wanted to achieve. Then you told me about the house you were going to build and i couldnt help but picture our lives together. 

I imagine you pulling in from work while I waited on the porch watching our kids play with both my dog and your cat. The house you are going to build is in a small town. I imagine the kitchen with a large island and farmhouse sink, laptops and paper stacked everywhere, the fridge plastered with magnets of all the countries we’ve travelled to. It would have been perfect. 

I asked why you came down all of a sudden and you told me it was for your anniversary with her.. Two year anniversary to be exact but i already knew that. A part of me wished you’d lie just this once. You are so comfortable with me and you tend to talk about her so casually. It was our two year anniversary too, you know? 

We made love that night. I looked into your blueish-green eyes and you told me it might get more serious with her. Ouch. I told you to leave me and focus on your relationship because I don’t want you to end up hating me. I said all this, but my eyes were pleading with you to just grow a goddamn pair and choose me instead. 

You say I work too much, too hard. I don’t have time. This is what you say to convince yourself that being with me will be difficult and you don’t want to take the risk. I know it isn’t love between you and her but I’m not quite sure what’s holding you back. Is it because I drink and I smoke? Is it because I’m opinionated? Is it because we are too similar? Is it because you have been lying this whole time? Whatever the reason, I wish you would just tell me. You held my hand tight and played with my hair and these questions disappeared from my thoughts entirely. 

You left at 5am that night, not realising the time. Rushing. Looking for any traces of my cranberry lipstick on your white shirt. 

Before you stepped out the door I said my final goodbye, you gave me a kiss on my forehead and closed the door behind you. 

You texted me in the uber on your way home to her but I didn’t reply. I cried so much that night my bones hurt. 

I think about you every minute of every day. I wonder if she’s tossing your curly light brown hair that you hate or if she laughed at your jokes or notices the wrinkles you get when you smile. 

Each morning I see her social media and ask myself why her? I look in the mirror and think am I good enough? I open Tinder and i have more than a hundred matches but I still want you. 

Reality hits me hard in the face and I know it can never be. So I say a pray for you, wishing you all the happiness this world has to offer while I close my eyes and drift off to sleep to the sound of your heartbeat. 

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