Break Apart

My knee still hurts, I fell down my stairs yesterday. Dumb accident. 

Ayato came back, we had ‘the talk’. He’s taking one of the job offers in Japan, and so he’s moving back home.

We talked, he wanted so bad for us to continue to be together, he promised me to fly to see me twice a month, he tried to rationalize that it would only be a year that we would be long distance, and once I finished at Berkeley we could be together like we planned. He said he was so in love with me that he couldn’t imagine never seeing me again.

For some reason that really made me angry so I replied “then why are you leaving me?” He went silent and looked at the floor, I could tell I really hurt him. He looked so sad in the eyes when I asked him that. He tried to talk to me – but I didn’t want to hear how sad I made him. I was acting stupid. That was an unfair thing of me to say to him, I know he didn’t choose to leave me. If he were to look for work in the US he would have to deal with a lengthy bureaucratic process of getting a work visa. And even then I know he would not get his ideal job or a good enough job for how hard he’s worked, he’s not an American. He can’t even get a job at Space X because he’s not a US citizen. Whereas in Japan he has no limitations, and I know he’s missed his homeland, he’s been away for so long now. Now he has a really great opportunity to start his career, and I don’t want to hold him back. 

I felt so bad, but I just can’t do the long distance relationship, its just too painful and it NEVER works out. My last relationship was good but then it became long distance and ended up with not only a break up  but fostered major resentment. I’m scared that we won’t work out, but even worse would be for us to never be friends again. 

He begged me not to leave him, which felt like a knife in the throat. 

But I had to end the relationship. 

I told him that waiting was a waste of time for me. 

I’m heart broken and feel like he’s leaving me behind and yes I know I broke up with him, but I know in the back of my head and heart that we would have broken up eventually and it would have hurt so much more. I’m just trying to end it right. 

I tried to do a ‘clean breakup’ but it was just…. so sad. 

Ayato told me that he wants to ‘marry me and have his children, and he doesn’t ever want to be without me’. It just made the break up even more agonizing. 

He’s packing up and leaving the states in the coming weeks. 

He’s the most amazing person ever, even though I broke up with him and broke his heart, he still told me not to cry because if I feel its the right thing, then to not cry because I will end up hating myself. Fuck. 

I love him. 
but I feel like I’m not wrong. 

 

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