Ok so I don’t even remember writing here last Thursday. I shouldn’t have had a reaction like that to zopiclone after taking just three. I am extremely embarrassed…well more than that I am completely and utterly mortified. Because apparently my mum took me to our local garden centre to try and make me feel better and I checked my bills online and…I spent like £130. My mum got my dad to drive me to my doctors appointment and I don’t remember a damn thing about any of it…but I do have a blood test appointment on my pin board; what for I haven’t got a clue. This is all very bad. My body has obviously lost it’s tolerance to these tablets which in a way is good but I am staying away from these things. I am not having what happened last Thursday where I don’t remember a damn thing.
I have been feeling very low and it’s just getting worse. I haven’t seen my counsellor for two weeks because she has been on holidays but I do see her tomorrow. I’ll have a few things to talk about definitely! At the moment I am in Reading visiting my sister and I clashed with her husband Jon about money because we spent the day in London and one of my cards was rejected at the Underground. It was ok because I used my other card and it worked but him and my sister were saying I had to see why the payment didn’t go through there and then which I didn’t want to do. I knew I wouldn’t be able t cope with it. I was feeling rather spaced out from spending the day in London. We went to see the Frida Khalo exhibition as they have just released all her personal belongings from her house.
To cut a long story short I ended up unable to cope and I said I needed to go to hospital because I felt at such risk and Jon was really mad at me. I took my night meds and went to bed, it was the only thing I could do. I am not feeling at all good…this is all just really bad. I am not coping at all. I am feeling so guilty about Harry. I do truly believe it was my fault he died. I could have said something at 3:45am and I didn’t. I don’t understand myself at all. I need to tell my counsellor all this tomorrow, it’s the only thing I can do next. And I have just deleted the entry I wrote last Thursday. I don’t want to go down this road again.